Thursday, February 4, 2010

To my husband: Instructions for the care and feeding of the kids

Dear honey,

I am off to Blissdom, I hope you won't miss me tooooo much. I did not get you a Mr. Mom t-shirt in honor of this occasion, but what you do get is the kids, all to yourself! I will be thinking of you while I am listening to seminars/having a drink/mingling/hanging with Harry Connick Jr./having another drink/attending more seminars/going to parties/dining out/going to after-parties/staying up till all hours of the night doing who knows what. But no worries, I will be really attentive at the seminars.

A few pointers to keep in mind while I am away:

• The kids need to be dressed and fed daily. Just sayin'.

• Contrary to popular belief, we do not have a self-cleaning kitchen floor.

• If Sabrina asks to watch a third iCarly in a row, the correct answer is "No."

• Repeat after me: "Because I'm your dad and I said so."

• If Max asks to wear his new purple Converse sneakers to bed, let him. But don't tell Sabrina.

• Potty seats are your friend.

• If Sabrina asks to wear her "It's all about me!" t-shirt for the fourth day in a row, the correct answer is "No" but you will not win that one so just give up and let her. If she smells, do not spray her with Lysol.

• If you are downstairs late at night and you hear something going on upstairs and you go up and find out the kids have turned on the TV and are watching it, it is best to not join in. (See "Because I'm your dad and I said so.")

• Please don't let Sabrina update my Facebook status. Last time, she wrote "Asdfghjklzxcvbnm$$yh$$$$$$$$o" and people seriously thought I was on drugs.

• In case of emergency: Feed the kids Drumstick ice-cream cones.

• I will instinctively and intuitively know if you let Sabrina watch three iCarlys in a row. Just sayin'.

• If while I am gone you could train the kids to completely dress and feed themselves, use the vacuum and learn how to make phyllo-crusted salmon and coconut layer cake, that would be awesome.



  1. This made me laugh so hard! I hope you enjoy your trip.

  2. OMG.. that cracked me up!!!
    You're hysterical!

    3 ICarly's in a row ~ is a definate no in my house as well... unless I'm really tired and want to catch a nap ~ just sayin ;)

    Have a well deserved great time. And if hubby manages to teach them the phyllo-crusted salmon and coconut layer cake thingy ~ let me know right away :)

  3. Have fun...and if she updates your Facebook status maybe people will think you got lost in moment with Harry Connick, Jr. It could happen. Just sayin'

  4. lol, but yeah, we would need something like that is our house too! Enjoy your trip:) Jen

  5. :)

    I like that "eyes in the back of my head" thing you've got going. "I'll know..."

    Have fun, and realize that you've just given your husband license to cover your kitchen in flour and shredded coconut, as long as he washes the floor. (Because in my experience, husbands don't hear 'salmon', but they hear 'cake'.)

  6. Alexandra says:

    Oh, do I know what you're talking about...not that I"m going anyplace, I never going anyplace, but just the instructions.

    Yup, you do need to feed your kids, and wipe up spilled lemonade, and unplug the toilets (don't save it all for mama when she gets home with 50 bags of groceries...)

    Enjoy Blissdom, can't wait to hear about it.

  7. Way to tell him! lol... Hope you have a great time at Blissdom!

  8. Have fun! And don't worry too much about what's (not) going on at home. I've found that while things go down that shouldn't, nobody dies.

  9. Great list, I seriously have to leave a list for my husband if I even leave for a few hours. Have a great time at Blissdom.

  10. Ellen, have a wonderful time at your seminar! Cut loose and have some fun.

    I know the kids will miss you, but they'll also probably have more than a few moments of unauthorized and unapproved "fun-with-daddy!"

  11. Have a great trip, Ellen!
    Very good (and hilarious) instructions. I think for your next trip, you're going to have to bring Sabrina and Max here for an extended play date. Monkey Boy also loves iCarly - the episode in which Gibby takes his vest off at the party and then asks Carly if she's a cop when she asks him to put it back on? Even I'll admit it's funny. A certain someone has also been hankering for new Converse sneaks ever since he saw Max strutting the catwalk in his purple ones.
    Here's to hoping the kids aren't running around in loin cloths and gnawing on a raw antelope when you get back.

  12. So funny.....How many times do you think Dave will call you while you are away to ask something super important like, "Can Sabrina watch three iCarlys in a row?"

    Have a great trip!

  13. youngest ( now 4.5) went through a phase at one point where he would update my FB status.He hit a new low when I came out of the bathroom and discovered he had been IMing my friends on yahoo messenger. It took me about a month of follow-up posts and IMs to convince my friends that I was not drunk or having a medical crisis--I just had an ornery preschooler.

  14. Fabulous! My husband is taking off TEN WHOLE DAYS. I'll be gone for five of them. And it'll be the first time he's had all 4 of them by himself for that long. His brother slipped up and told me that their mom is coming for a few days. Haha!


Thanks for sharing!

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