Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Why I'll never be one of "those" moms



There's a comment that's been haunting me. It's from the post I did about making Max a so-called costume from a purple Bed, Bath & Beyond bag. Kara called me "crafty" and said, "It seems that you have joined the ranks of Those Mommys!!"

Kara, I fear that I have misrepresented myself. Because I am actually not one of "those" crafty moms. I am also not one of those dress-the-kids-to-perfection moms. Or one of those must-make-kids'-meals-from-scratch moms. Or one of those so-on-top-of-everything moms. And because I'd never want to get sued by one of "those" moms for making false claims, I am hereby providing irrefutable proof that I am not one of "those" moms:

• When the kids aren't in the moods for baths, or when I am not in the mood for giving them a bath, I have resorted to a diaper-wipe shower—you grab some wipes, you wipe them down.
• I have let Max have a dish of ice-cream for dinner...and an ice-cream sandwich for dessert.
• Their baby scrapbooks? I never made it past "Mother's name, father's name, baby's height, baby's weight."
• Come to think of it, I am not even sure where their baby scrapbooks are.
• I have put Max's shoes on the wrong feet while he was wearing his braces (which are supposed to help you walk better, which is kinda hard to do when your mother has put your shoes on the wrong feet).
• I have let Sabrina pluck a shirt/pants/dress from the laundry and wear it again. Thankfully, she has not yet begged to re-wear underwear.
• When the kids' pants are too long, I just roll them up. Presto! Hemmed.
• I have refused to read certain books to the kids because I am bored by them. The books, not the kids.
• As a serial evening snacker, I have eaten the last of the kids' cheese crackers. I have also polished off their Cheerios, their cookies, their chocolate pudding and once, in a tragic turn of events, the macaroni and cheese we brought home from the diner that Sabrina was going to finish up the next day.
• I never, ever have tissues in my purse, Band-Aids, cough drops or anything remotely useful.
• When Sabrina has gotten a knot in her hair, I've been known to cut it out rather than try to patiently comb through it.
I have thrown out pictures the kids have made.
• The last time I organized the kids' playroom was in June. Or was it January? I can't be sure.
• I murdered the kids' goldfish. I know, I have spoken about this before, but I am clearly trying to work through the grief. Bear with me.
• I once accidentally sent Max to school on class picture day in ratty sweatpants and a stained shirt.
• I have let Sabrina watch three Hanna Montana shows in a row. I hope she does not someday require therapy for that.
• When the kids have celebrated their birthdays at school, I've bought cupcakes from the store and put them in my own box.

Sooooo, are you one of "those" moms? Or do you fall into my camp? Share!


Photo by bankgrrl

35 comments:

  1. Oh wow. I'm one of those moms like you! I'm so glad to know I'm not alone!

    Although, I did feel less bad after reading that kids who don't sweat yet (i.e. haven't gone through puberty) shouldn't have a bath every day anyway. It's better for their immune systems! So there!

    HA! Good post!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ellen,
    you crack me up and make me feel that I'm okay after all.
    You can still be a great Mum without having to be one of 'those women'

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have done pretty much everything on your list. The only task I haven't completed yet is the murdering of the goldfish...but I am well on my way trust me!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Susan, Mum to MollyNovember 18, 2009 at 4:38 AM

    Hilarious! I love it. Definitely not one of THOSE moms.

    My claim to fame is managing to kill off the sea monkeys. You know those pets which survive *years* in a packet?? yeah well, maybe in the packet, but not in my kitchen...

    Also, our girls routinely only have a bath every two days - and even that is a battle sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have done almost all of these. So I'll join you in the "slummy-mummy" ranks of "Not Those Mums". ;D

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think I am a half assed one of "those" moms. I want my kids to look nice for going to school...then I forget about combing their hair. I am crafty, and I have made every single one of their halloween costumes, or at least part of it. But not because I am showing off, but sewing is incredibly relaxing for me, and I enjoy it. It has to be genetic...my grandmother was an expert seamstress. And I do make most of our meals from scratch...we have food allergies in our house, so it makes it neccessary. But I am not on top of everything, especially housekeeping. If the Department of Social Services came to my house they would probably take my kids away. And no, I am not kidding. My house is G.R.O.S.S!
    I give the kids baths when I have time...summer is the only time they MUST bathe daily, they get so dirty and full of sunscreen and bug spray. Yuck. I make the birthday cakes from scratch, but again, I do it because it is fun and my kids like different fun cakes not just a sheet cake from the store. Besides...I hate that frosting.
    So I guess I am from the outside appearance anyway...one of "those" moms. But trust me, even "those" moms have their secret failures...mine being I need to hire a housekeeper (which I have heard many of those like me have!)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am SO not one of those moms. I could horrify the readers with my list of sins. Hot dogs for breakfast is only the start to our day.

    ReplyDelete
  8. No, I'm not one of those moms. I have my moments, but...no. I do knit them things, but like Sarah H. said, this is relaxing for me. But even the knitting sometimes ends in disaster. The last sweater I made for Emmett (a gorgeous Aran that took me ages to finish) had to be cut_off_of_him. I forgot to figure into the pattern that Emmett's head is bigger than average. While we were able to get the sweater on him, when it was time to remove it, it would not budge. We pulled, we tugged, we twisted - that sweater was not coming off. Finally, I had to snip the stitches around the collar to remove sweater from my (now hysterical) child.

    Then there was the time I worked very hard on a sweater that my (then 2 year old) daughter had begged me knit for her. Every day, she would ask about my progress on it. I was so excited to finally present it to her! She took one look at all of my hard work and said, "I don't like it." So I threw it on the floor, stomped on it and then stuffed it in a diaper pail.

    Yep. I'm *that* mom.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I think I'm in your camp...time for confessions.

    I once had to keep my youngest home from school because I couldn't find both of his shoes.

    One Halloween, feeling particularly uninspired and short of time, I just bought a package of face paint, painted each kid's face a different color, and painted a big "M" on each face. Voila...a package of M&Ms. (My kids were absolutely unimpressed.)

    ReplyDelete
  10. On the rare days that my two-year old daughter comes home from school looking relatively clean, I do the baby-wipe shower too. She has really long hair, and sometimes when she takes a bath, I don't wash her hair. If I have time, I change the color of the ponytail holders so the daycare teachers won't know that I didn't give her a thorough bath!

    And the other things--I so hear you. I think it's great!

    Laura

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh Ellen, you crack me up!!! I have to admit that I lean in the direction of "those" moms, although I don't make any meals from scratch! I hate to cook! But you make me laugh about!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I think I'm more like one of "those" moms than I realized. As I was laughing over your list, about to write how I'm like you, I realized that A) I do have a scrap book B) QT doesn't wear anything from the dirty clothes (is that because she won't, or I won't let her?) C) I love crafts, but mostly because QT does. So really, it's my DAUGHTER who has made me one of THOSE moms.

    Although I still can't cook

    ReplyDelete
  13. Geez Ellen, thank you for finally standing up and admitting the ugly truth that you are not one of "those" moms. I'm sorry that you were haunted by that misrepresentation and lived in constant fear of being exposed for what you really are - a human mom like the rest of us! In fact, I think we like you more for it!

    P.S. My own mother murdered my goldfish when I was a kid too!

    ReplyDelete
  14. You have joined the Mommy ranks. The ranks of let's get real. Life is too short to live with a screaming child or an uptight mommy. Enjoy the trip while it lasts. :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Ellen, thanks for the post,I am still laughing. I fall into your catagory.If I'm tired or sierra is, we skip the shower & do the wipe down.I have been known to do just the face,arm pits & feet on occasion.As for hair,on those should have washed it,but didn't days,she wears it in a pony tail,or little "bun".On some "blurry" mornings,I have put not only the shoes on the wrong feet,but the braces as well,only to have Sierra say,grandmom,your being silly or your funny,you put them on the wrong feet!I laugh,saying,yeah, I was wondering if YOU were going to notice. I sent her to school this AM w/her pants rolled up. I have not only murdered the fish, I believe the lizzard & hampster met w/some form of foul play as well,though not intentionaly(yes,I still feel quilty too) There are other things on your list I have done. Thanks for sharing & isn't it nice that we can all sit back & laugh about these things with each other?

    ReplyDelete
  16. It's such a relief to know that you're not alone! We do the economical version of the diaper wipe bath--with a washcloth soaked in warm water. And I'll only scrub the real nasty parts!

    My mother is one of "those moms" in the sense that she can sew like crazy and cook like a dream, but she's way too fond of clutter so she is saved by being an imperfect housekeeper--as well as a very, well, "comfortable" dresser. Did I inherit ANY of her talents? Hell, no! I did inherit her big butt, indifferent fashion sense, and great appetite, but that's about it. She also didn't fuss over us too much (too many/no time)--but that was considered "hoity toity" if you did that kind of thing amongst her set.

    In my universe, buzz haircuts aren't just a style choice, they're a survival strategy.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Ummm. . . I'm definitely more in your camp than the other although I do sometimes get anal about Charlie's clothes.

    ReplyDelete
  18. At least you use a wipe before bed...I have sent them to bed with dirty faces. I am notorious for letting my children leave the house in crazy outfits - if you put it on yourself you can wear it out of the house. I think part of a happy childhood is some independence - and if eating ice cream for dinner is independence for the day so be it. That is what your children will remember not how perfect they looked. For example I remember my mother not even brushing my hair a few times and me leaving for school (I have crazy curly hair). We laugh about it all the time. Not sure my mother finds it funny but I do. I was the youngest of 7 and I had a great childhood with my crazy hair (that the beauty parlor used to cut the knots out).

    ReplyDelete
  19. Love it!! These are the fun MOM secrets, not how to bake the most perfect cake. Thanks for sharing all the tips...hadn't thought about doing the wipe wipe-down.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hmmmm, I'm a frustrated perfectionist so I fall into both camps. I have a box of unfinished quilt tops and files of scraps I thought would be fun in a scrapbook. I'm going on my fourth child and I've yet to finish the six month mark for my first baby. My first two kids didn't know what McDonalds was until this year while my 18 month old now indulges in the fries probably twice a week. My lone girl curbed my tendency towards perfection by completely rejecting Gymboree coordination for a more eclectic Bohemian look. I'm learning to appreciate tiger stripes paired with polka dots, long skirts paired with jeans, topped with leg warmers, and tank tops pulled over cardigans... probably started with her out of control cow-licks which created visual impairment. The girl's hair is always in her face.

    Anyway, I'm learning to let go of my crazy expectations. We recently moved to an an awesome town where it seems like most moms are not "Those" kind of moms. The "Those" moms in our neck of the woods are more concerned with organic and reducing their carbon footprint. I can't even go there as I've already spawned three almost four offspring. Our family's footprint is crater size.

    Fun post.

    ReplyDelete
  21. hehe, so glad to know I'm not the only one who does wipe baths... I probably do them wayyyy more then you do, though, lol.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I am definitely NOT one of "those" moms, although I do have delusions every once in a while. I am one of those people who would love to be crafty, but really has no talent or creativity. It is sad really. I do get a little anal about Emily's clothes and hair at times, but even that is going out the window.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Well, I'm a Dad, so I'm not one of 'those Moms' but I do plenty of things to be embarrassed about, like letting Bennett eat Cheerios that have fallen on the floor. It's OUR floor, but still...

    ReplyDelete
  24. I have to laugh about the wipes instead of a bath because for us giving Emily a bath every night is because we're tired. Tired you say, why bother with the bath. Well, we fill it with nice warm water (on the hot side, but not to hot), bubbles, and toys and jump in after her. One of us gets to lay in the bath and relax while she's content to play with her toys for 30 minutes to hour. It's super relaxing when Emily decides to pour warm water all over us.

    Sometimes I am one of "those" moms, but it generally has ulterior motives. Baking from scratch is another great activity that keeps Emily occupied for any length of time.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Here Here!

    Let me add a few more.

    1) I have given my 3 year old autistic son potato chips and ketchup for breastfast just so he will eat something.

    2) The same for a bag of shredded cheese in the car.

    Thanks for the validation !

    Pia

    ReplyDelete
  26. I know I don't comment very often, but I wanted to let you know that I always enjoy reading your posts, and this made me laugh out loud!

    I am *so* not that mom! I must admit to occasional bouts of baking or card making, but that's for me b/c I want to do it.

    ReplyDelete
  27. How funny! My favorite is the one about serial evening snacker where you have polished off some of the kids snacks, etc. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only mommy that has done that (and hoped the kids would forget about what it was that I ate so I don't have to give them an explanation about where it went...hee hee).

    ReplyDelete
  28. Ellen, I am so with you.
    I don't see a need for an oatmeal mask (dinner by osmosis) to be washed off before bed if there is a risk it makes Mac too awake. Pillow slips will exfoliate it just fine by morning...
    and daily baths...
    far to wasteful of scarce water for my liking, now it's summer a swim will do just fine.

    ReplyDelete
  29. oh my god, this is so hilarious. i love the diaper-wipe baths!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  30. I am probably the least crafty-mom out there!

    I do the diaper bath wipes too; sure don't have it in me to give them a bath every.single.night!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Oh, I'm definitely not one of those moms. I totally fall into your category. My son has had ice cream for dinner on more than one occasion.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Oh, I LIVE in your camp! I've done most of the things on your list (when I can't bring myself to give the kids a bath, I just make sure I clip their nails so that outsiders can't tell, and I've not only put Roger's shoes on the wrong feet, I've actually put his BRACES on the wrong feet, when he was too young to tell me), and have many more of my own to add to the list! Thanks for posting this ... it's so nice to know that we're not alone!

    ReplyDelete
  33. I've done the wipe down thingy on nights with Lola when I just wanna get to bed and sleep. Just last night I let Lola sleep in my bed- I was exhausted. I've also thrown some of Lola's drawings out, she wont notice anyway.

    Lola's baby scrapbook has one picture of her- thats it. I didnt get far as I had no patience or time after her birth to sit down and do it. I'm happy I am not the only mom here who is a "bad one".

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for sharing!