Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Meet my Inner Bad Mommy

As usual, there were a ton of great suggestions on yesterday's post about improv parenting, so, thanks. I also appreciate it whenever one of you comments that I'm a great mom or that I'm so in tune with Max. Only I also end up thinking, "If you only knew...."

Since this is my blog (duh!), I obviously have total control over how I choose to present myself to the world. Believe me, I am by no means The Mother Teresa of Mommies. I am often far, far from it. Here's what I've never told you guys before. (Don't get nervous, I'm not about to confess that I perform satanic rituals or anything, although forcing your kids to like Chef Boyardee is probably up there on the sin list.)

OMG! For years now, I've made the babysitter cut the kids' nails because I get squeamish about it.

OMG! I am so tired—literally and figuratively—of having the kids sleep in my bed that sometimes, if Dave is working late, I'll let the babysitter put the kids to bed. so I don't have anyone kicking me/accidentally whacking me/poking me in the middle of the night with the news flash, "MOMMY, I HAVE TO GO PEE PEE." There is nothing quite like being woken out of a deep slumber with the words, "MOMMY, I HAVE TO GO PEE PEE." (Well, other than, "MOMMY, I WENT PEE PEE ON YOUR BED.")

OMG! When I don't understand what Max is trying to say, I still nod my head and say "Yes, Max!"

OMG! I haven't sorted through the kids toys in the basement for years. I think they probably still have pacifiers down there.

OMG! I have decided that the kids are going to wear last year's Halloween costumes this year. Max is maybe a wee bit old for the Cars costume, Sabrina may be a bit chilly because the Little Mermaid top is belly-baring and she doesn't like to wear a shirt beneath, and I don't care.

OMG! My kids are addicted to Chef Boyardee Sodium-and-Chemical Laden Chicken and Rice and it's all my fault.

OMG! I have let the kids watch a Grossology episode called Fartzilla—yes, Fartzilla—twice in a row in the mornings, just so I can get forty more minutes of sleep.

OMG! When Sabrina says things like, "I don't want Daddy! I want Mommy!" or Max clings to me for dear life and motions Dave away, I am secretly pleased.

OMG! I am still not sure how to operate approximately 71.5 percent of the kids' electronic toys.

OMG! Dave got a scooter during his recent pre-mid-life-crisis phase. This kind:

Lately, I've been fantasizing about my own pre-mid-life crisis, only mine involves getting on an airplane by myself and going to a spa in Italy's Lake Como region, where nobody knows me and nobody wakes me up in the middle of the night saying, "MAMA, VOGLIO ANDARE PEE PEE."

OMG! I've been known to leave the house without critical things like seizure medication/diapers/snacks/patience.

OMG! I've posted updates on the swine flu, yet I have still not called our pediatrician to ask him what he thinks about the kids getting the vaccine.

OMG! When Max spots an airplane and tells me that he wants to go on one, I lie and say "Soon! Very soon!"

OMG! I have put the kids in the car and driven them around for no reason other than 1) I am going stir crazy at home and 2) I like to look at house.

OMG! When Sabrina gets all stubborn and decides she is not going to wear a dress because she'd rather wear her Princess shirt for like the 147th time that week, or Max wants to wear jeans yet again, I get all stubborn right back and boss them into it even though you're supposed to let kids make choices because I'm the Mommy and I said so.

OMG! OMG! Sometimes, I'd rather blog about the kids than play one more game of catch the train or Princess Dominos with them.

Photo from coolpl8z


  1. OMG! I have neglected the kid's toilet for sooooo long because I just can't take it.... and this past week the plumber had to come and found 3 pacifiers (my 5 year old is the only one who used a pacifier and gave it up at age 2), 2 metal cars and a pair of Elmo underwear. Seriously, I may be in a bit of denial...

  2. HA HA HA!!! Ellen you are just so NORMAL!!!! Even your "sins" aren't really sins, though--they're what everyone does, if they're honest with themselves and have to juggle work, home, kids and general living! Beaver Cleaver's mom doesn't exist, I say!

    My kids like hotdogs. Yeah, hotdogs, with who-knows-what is inside them. I try to get the "better" ones, but even so, they are hotdogs! And they will not eat the tofu ones, they think they stink (I have to agree)--I tried them once trying to be "Good" thinking they'd be healthier....those went to the neighbor's dog (he wouldn't eat 'em, either--what a waste of money!) after a major pout and a switch to peanut butter for the meal--yes, the "dreaded" peanut butter which is also a sin in some homes but my kids love with lots of JELLY, too.

    You do what ya gotta do!

  3. THANK GOD! You are normal...whew I feel better now.

    I had to laugh about the swine flu post...me too! Whoops! Guess I'd better call the Dr...soon...yeah as soon as I get some sleep.

  4. You are SO funny and so real - I know that I have left the house without pullups and T's epi-pen and done many of the things on your list. It's so good to hear that other mom's feel the same way! You rock for that awesome post!

  5. I had to laugh when I read this. You are one damn good mom, but who among us is perfect? I let Daniel sleep in his clothes the other night because I was too tired to argue with him about why you shouldn't wear clothes that you've worn to play in the dirt to bed. I cancelled an appointment last week by giving a completely BS excuse. I've let Daniel watch a new show on Disney called Gassie (a really gross parody of Lassie), and he's had Joe's O's (Trader Joe's Spaghetti O's) and a hot dog for dinner at least three times in the past week. I also may have (cough) lost a certain book that just may drive me mad if I have to read it one more time. And yes, despite all of this, I consider myself a good mom. Who wants perfect, anyway? That sounds so incredibly dull.

  6. My 2-year old daughter has two pairs of identical Stride Rite shoes, except that one is pink and one is purple. The purple pair is a half-size larger because she had supposedly outgrown the pink ones. Of course, for about 2 weeks now, she has insisted on wearing one pink shoe and one purple shoe. It's not worth the battle. Before that, she would only wear one sock. Sigh......

    My really bad mommy moment: I sometimes make my 6-year old son give something that he had first to my daughter, just to stop her screaming. That's not good.


    Oh! The site works perfectly well now on my macs. Thanks!

  7. Very funny post along with all the comments. If anyone says they don't yell, don't melt down or be forgetful I am convinced they are in complete denial as parents.

    On another topic, you have excellent writing skills. Your titles grab me every time and your posts keep me reading. Thanks.

  8. OMG - I love this post! I can totally relate! Here are a few of my OMGs:

    OMG - I put in a movie (almost any movie) for my four year old while the 2yr old is napping so that I can nap too.

    OMG - I think I'll scream if my 4yr old asks me to sword fight with him one more time!

    OMG - I am so tired by the time I put the kids to bed that I often skip brushing teeth just to get them in bed faster.

    I could go on and on... but I'll save that for my own blog post another time! ;-)

  9. OMG - I do almost all of these and many, many, many more. Thanks for making me laugh. I totally needed that today, because OMG - my son told me he wants to build a 5 foot by 9 foot wooden structure in my backyard, and I said "Maybe someday soon!" I'm going to hell!! :-)

  10. OMG, my 2 year old watches so much TV that when he's upset he calls out for 'JEESSSS' (the cat from Postman Pat), 'MAISSSYYYY' (as in Maisy Mouse) OR calls on his good friend 'Brum' ("What you gonna do Brum?"). Despite knowing already that he watches too much TV I let me DH buy him a little digital portable viewer, because I know it will make my life easier when we're out sometimes.

    OMG, despite swearing I never, ever would, I sometimes use lollypops as a reward after realising that not only do the kids get a reward, but they keep their mouths closed for AGES while they're eating them!

    OMG, I could just go on and on.....

    Ellen, great post. Thanks for making me smile! ;-)

  11. OMG, my Emma is really into anything that is gross. Why couldn't she just love princesses? As I refined, ladylike mother, hum, I should be teaching her better but... She cracks ups about anything related to the butt. Yep!! She loves the words diarrhea and fart! So, I sometimes say those dirty little words over and over or sing them in songs just to get or to laugh when she is mad!! Oh, I am sooo bad!! Could I be creating a potty mouth? Hum???

  12. Thanks to all of you for your OMGs! I really needed that laugh. Let me just add one more (actually, I'll never run out of material for this list): I called the pediatrician today to ask the nurse to fill out a school form, AND TOTALLY FORGOT TO ASK ABOUT THE SWINE FLU VACCINE.


    Felicia, this one's for you: The Hot Dog Blog! http://www.thehotdogblog.com/blog/

  13. OMG i have forgotten to buckle the kids into their car seats more times than i should probably admit

    OMG i had "adult punch" left over from a party in the fridge that my nanny mistakenly gave the kids

  14. OMG!!!!!!!


    The Hot Dog BLOG--who knew????

    Guess what the anklebiters had for supper tonight? I made the mistake of asking what they wanted and what they wanted was:

    --A salad they barely touched!!! (Well, they didn't WANT that--that was my lame idea...)
    --Store bought cookies and milk!

    Ain't I Susie Homemaker! Good thing we eat at my parents' place a lot! Momma does COOK!

    OMG....I forgot their other favorite...FROZEN SUPERMARKET FISHSTICKS!!! And let's not forget the ever-ready GRILLED CHEESE!

    On a paper plate with cartoon characters on it, too....OMG!!!!

    Geez...will child protective services bag me for child endangerment using frozen fishsticks as an instrument?

    It wasn't ME, officer, truly....it was that damn Gorton's FISHERMAN!!!!

  15. Yours are funny and the responses are funny too. I found myself nodding along at most of yours. I think all moms are lucky their brains don't just come oozing out of their ears--it's a lot to remember.

  16. These are so funny -- made me laugh out loud!

  17. I love all the confessions i think one of my worst ones was leaving for a day in Austin (2 hours away) and completely forgetting to load Regans walker or wheelchair in the car. The poor child got stuck shopping with me in a shopping cart....at age 10! She forgave me though because I bought her stuff to sooth the embarrassment

  18. Its such a blessing and progress that MaX can TELL you he wants to get on that plane! Yah Max Ellen and Dave. Sabrina too of course.

  19. When I have to repeat myself 25 times to Graham, who refuses to look at me so signing won't help... I've been known to say:

    "What?? Are you DEAF or something??"

    I LOVE going to work and leaving Daddy to the dinner/bathtime/bedtime routine.

    My kids are addicted to Chef Boyardee Raviolis.

    I pop a movie for the kids in so I can blog.


Thanks for sharing!

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