Thursday, April 22, 2021

The woman he wants to marry

Max told Dave last week that he would like to buy a wedding band. He pointed to Dave's, then informed him that it was for his Aunt Emily because he loves her very much. Dave and I have since explained several times that you can't marry your aunt, but Max won't listen. Meanwhile, Emily's husband jokingly agreed, which hasn't helped. 

I've had a lot of Thoughts and Feelings. 

Emily and Max have gotten especially close during the pandemic because she's been giving him yoga lessons in her studio every Saturday morning. It's one of the only places we've taken him this past year, and it it's been a great escape. Yoga relaxes him (a couple of times, he's dozed off), and Em is a warm and patient teacher. Sometimes Sabrina or Ben join in but mainly, it's Max's time.

I can understand Max's urge to marry his aunt, because she's awesome. It's also made me ponder ways I can expand Max's social network so he meets more people his age, although that is particularly challenging these days. After-school social events are indefinitely held. And it's not like Max was making new friends outside of school even before the pandemic started.

At times, I've struggled with the friendship and romance blank spots in Max's life. He is such a friendly, cheerful, charming person. He has so much love to give. But then, I have to force myself to consider the fact these are "blank spots" as view them—Max seems perfectly content with life as he knows it. The ache I felt in my heart when Dave told me that Max wanted to marry his aunt sprang from a deep-rooted expectation that my kids would grow up, fall in love and have a family of their own. It's a supposition shaped by my own upbringing, and a desire that comes from my own happy experiences with love. The thing is, they are mine, and not Max's. And it's hard to separate the two. 

As parents, we want our children to thrive, to experience all the joy, to live. Sometimes, though, we have to take a wrench to our hearts and minds and loosen up our perceptions about what that means. We need to recognize when we projecting our own ideas of happiness onto them and accept that every child—disabled or not—finds their own bliss in this world. 

Right now, Max has this notion he can marry his aunt, and I have this sadness about his relationship status. Clearly, there are things we both need to come to terms with.


  1. I love how you say you've been working to reshape your perceptions about what it means to truly live and be happy. I can understand how this situation, and coming to these realizations, would be difficult.

    Just to offer some additional perspective, I have CP too, and it doesn't affect me cognitively, but I honestly wasn't interested in dating all through my teen years and even during college. It wasn't that I couldn't find people to date; I just genuinely didn't want to, and I didn't feel a pull toward pursuing a romantic relationship. I just started dating for the first time in my mid-twenties. I'm now in a longer term relationship and am enjoying this phase in my life, but I also appreciate that I didn't try to rush it before I was ready. I have friends who waited too, friends who don't have disabilities and who just weren't up for the drama of a romantic relationship and wanted to focus on other aspects of their life. Some are still happily single, enjoying living life on their own terms!

    Maybe this is just Max's way of starting to explore the concept of dating in a way that feels familiar and comfortable for him, and he'll eventually branch out when he's ready. Or maybe not. As you say, either is okay. One thing is for sure: He'll do things his way, magnificently Max--and that's awesome. :)

  2. Max already has "family of his own", and some day in the future will probably have even more "family of his own"-- he has the makings of the world's best uncle!

  3. Are you in an area with "meet-ups"? There seem to be at least a couple aimed at helping people of all abilities find friendship and love.

  4. I see this as a good sign. He has the ability and desire to have relationships. Emily will not be the last crush.

  5. I do think it’s very sweet that Max has developed a close bond and fondness of his aunt.

    But I can also understand and empathize with the sadness that you feel. It’s very hard to think about the challenges our kids have when it comes to forming friendships and relationships with people their own age. And no doubt the pandemic has made it even more challenging.

    I do hope that when things get normal his social circle can expand or at least go back to the way it was before these times. And I do hope that he finds the one as well in his future! He has lots of love to give back indeed!


Thanks for sharing!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...