Last week, someone treated my child with disability normally

Last week, someone treated my child with special needs normally.

It was so remarkable and unexpected that I posted about it on Facebook.

I'd asked the DJ who will be hosting Max's bar mitzvah if he would swing by our house to say hi. I wanted Max to feel comfortable with him, as I think he's going to be overwhelmed on his big day and the more familiar faces, the better.

Jay stopped by around 7:30, after his workday. By then Max was a little tired and not at his best, but it didn't matter to this guy.

He seemed comfortable around him right from the start.

He was friendly to Max, in a real way.

He didn't talk down to him or speak in a babyish voice.

He didn't look at him with sad eyes or give him a pity smile.

Jay engaged him in conversation and asked straightforward questions, assuming that Max would understand—as in, he presumed competence. He asked if Max had any requests and when my firefighter-obsessed boy said that he needed to be called Fireman Max, Jay said that was cool and didn't blink an eye. When Max informed him that he did not like loud music, Jay noted that a lot of kids didn't and promised him the music wouldn't be loud.

Jay spoke with him like he was talking with any child. Such a simple thing, yet it's everything.

"This made me happy—I wish it were a regular, everyday occurrence," remarked a mom who also has a child with disability, summing up the sentiments of many. "I love when people talk to my daughter, not at her or to me. I wish it happened more often."

"Sometimes it feels like that same act is like finding a unicorn," noted another commenter.

It's sad, but true: People frequently fail to treat kids with special needs like other kids.

Sometimes it's because they've had no personal experience with kids with disability, and just aren't sure what to say or how to behave. (Tip: Start with "Hello.")

Sometimes it's because people can only feel sympathy for kids with special needs; they assume their lives are inferior to the rest of ours, and they should therefore be treated as if they are tragic.

And sometimes, they assume that children with intellectual disability are incapable of communicating or interacting. Perhaps they consider them stupid—as is implied by the word "retard."

Today is the eighth annual day of awareness for Spread the Word to End The Word, a campaign started by the Special Olympics. For decades, the term "mental retardation" was the clinical diagnosis for people with intellectual disability. Then the words "retard" and "retarded" became slang for people doing ignorant, laughable or loser-like things—not words you want associated with your child with disability.

Six years ago, Rosa's Law replaced "mental retardation" in federal laws and literature with "intellectual disability." Many schools, doctors and hospitals, along with the Supreme Court, have also quit using the term because it's become derogatory, and the words "retard" and "retarded" slurs—including when they are used jokingly ("You're a retard for putting on your shirt inside out!")

When people call a friend a "retard" or a situation "retard" or "retarded" or refer to someone as a 'tard...

When people use the hashtag #retard or #retarded on Twitter...

When major Hollywood films like Tropic Thunder have entire scenes poking fun at "retards" and generate a popular meme "Never Go Full Retard"...

...they're spreading negative perceptions of people with intellectual disability. Why should my boy or any person with ID suffer the consequences of that? Don't they have enough challenges to overcome in life? 

Of course, people often unknowingly use these terms, not aware of their implications; even the president of the National Education Association referred to the "chronically tarded" in a speech last December. (She subsequently apologized.) And to be sure, these slurs are hardly the only reason people continue to treat children with special needs the way they do—yet it's one of them. Argue away but the reality is, perception matters in this world.

There are some heartening changes happening out there. Integrated education is enabling a new generation of students to  better view—and accept—children with special needs as peers, not pitiful creatures. There's inclusion in cheerleading. This year, a young woman with Down syndrome made headlines when she became an Alpha Sigma Alpha sorority sister at Murray State. There's also increased media and cultural mainstreaming of disability, including more people with disability in ads and catalogs; on runways; and trickling onto TV shows.

Teens are getting it, too—take a look at the #RWordStomp2016 video from the North Rockland High School Best Buddies Club.



Meanwhile, parents continue to raise awareness, forming nonprofits like Family Member (I'm on their board) and even creating comic books like Department of Ability. Siblings are speaking out as well. "Caroline is every bit as wonderfully flawed as any other teenager in this world," wrote Elon University student Michael Bodley about his sis, who has Down syndrome. "And she's really sick of you calling her retarded."

The solution involves changing perceptions about people with special needs, and it starts at home. Parents can help their children understand that even if kids with disability appear or act differently, at heart, they are still children. If you hear your child using the word "retard," if you see it in a book (the word "retard" appears in the bestsellers Wonder and Dork Diaries) or hear it on TV or in a movie, use it as a jumping-off point for discussion.

Avoiding the word "retard" is just one thing—one really simple thing—people can do to respect those with intellectual disability. Max deserves to be viewed as a person, period, not a defective one. People shouldn't decide who people with intellectual disability are before they've ever met them, exactly what the slur "retard" does.

I dream of the day when the Jays of this world, aka people who treat Max normally, are no longer a rarity.

And so, once again, this parent makes the ask: Please, use another word.

More on this:

So, what do you say when someone uses the word "retard"?

Would you call my child a retard?

20 reasons to respect my child with special needs

Do you get why this word hurts so much?

If you ask people not to use the word retard

Photo: Flickr/wallsdontlie

20 reasons to respect my child with special needs

Today's the sixth annual Spread the Word to End the Word Day, dedicated to raising awareness about an insulting word—and respect for people with intellectual disability. Started by the Special Olympics, the campaign is on the surface about why the word "retard" perpetuates negative stereotypes of people with ID but at heart, it's about consideration. 

These are reasons why kids like mine with special needs deserve your respect:

1. Because he is a kid. He may act differently, walk differently or think differently than most children do but at heart is a child like any other. He matters. He has worth. He has potential.

2. Because, really, it's so simple to give my child respect—and it's not about handling him with kid gloves. Talk to him, not over him. Look him in the eye. Presume he understands. See his abilities, not only his disabilities. Treat him as you would want your child to be treated. Accept, don't just tolerate.

3. Because no matter what a child's diagnosis—Down syndrome, cerebral palsy, autism—he has a lot of obstacles to overcome in this world, and your respect can help fuel his confidence.

4. Because I know it can be hard not to stare and sure, maybe my kid doesn't notice. But one of these days he will and it will only make him feel more alienated.

5. Because teaching your kids to accept and respect those with special needs will open their minds, expand their understanding of humanity and help them grow up to be Better People.

6. Because it's 2014, and it's time people with intellectual disability stopped being being treated as inferior human beings.

7. Because avoiding demeaning language is another way to respect people with intellectual disability. This isn't about curbing freedom of speech, political correctness, extreme uptightness or go find something else to worry about what's the big deal—it's about decency, consideration and, wait for it, respect. Would you call a person you love a loser? No? (I hope you said "no.") Well, when you jokingly use the words "retard," "retarded" or "'tard" as synonyms for loser, pathetic, clueless or stupid, you perpetuate the perception that children and adults with intellectual disability are pathetic clueless stupid losers. Basically, you slam an entire population...even if you don't mean to.

8. Because even if you don't have any kids with intellectual disability in your life, you can choose words that won't makes ones who have it look bad.

9. Because I look like this, and I SAID SO.

10. Because haters are gonna hate but the rest of us can respect.

1l. Because "To be one, to be united, is a great thing. But to respect the right to be different is even greater."—Bono

12. Because we parents of kids with special needs will do anything within our powers to help our children, whether it's getting them a ton of therapy, trying experimental treatments, working overtime to pay for it all—and asking for your respect.

13. Because you don't have to download the app, hit "click to buy" or get on a waiting list for Apple's next edition. Respect: always free, never gets old.

14.  Because it's so not cool to use that word. And people are publicly acknowledging it, as did New York Times Ethicist columnist Chuck Klosterman when Keri Wagner-Peck, mom to a boy with Down syndrome, called him on his repeated usage of it. His response: "It was immature, hurtful and thoughtless."

15. Because this:

16. Because don't just take it from me: Read what this Special Olympics athlete had to say about that word. And how it felt to one dad of a son with autism when their family was in a restaurant and he overheard a woman say, when the waiter asked how they were doing, "Except for the retard in the next booth ruining things by making noise, everything's fine."

17. Because our kids should be at that restaurant, on that plane flight, in that place of worship, or anywhere and everywhere in society. They may be struggling to keep it together, they may cause disturbances, but you need to respect their right to be there.

18. Because maybe you have no idea what it's like to love someone who is cognitively impaired, but if you did, you might have written this.

19. Because karma.

20. Because the fact that parents like me are making this plea tells you a little something about our concerns for our children's future. Please, help create a more inclusive, welcoming world for them.

More on this:

Do you get why this word hurts so much?

Would you call my child a retard?

If you ask people not to use the word retard