Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Those thoughts you don't like to admit

Top on my list of ambitious goals on this, my first day out of work, was to sleep late. Of course, I bounced out of bed at the usual time. I cleaned up some clutter, read and sent a whole lot of e-mails, thought about exercising, solved the global warming crisis, ate some baklava I'd been saving for a special occasion (today counted as a special occasion). Friends and coworkers called throughout the day to make sure I was doing OK/didn't drink the whole bottle of Dom Perignon by myself (we're saving it till Saturday night).

Sabrina was out of her head with excitement. "My mommy's home!" she said to our babysitter, Linnette, about five times. I also overheard her telling her, "You know, when we go out somewhere and I go into the bathroom to go pee pee with my Mommy? Sometimes my Mommy goes pee pee right after me!" and realized that now that I'm home, I'm going to be privy to all sorts of fascinating revelations.

I picked up Sabrina at preschool, then went to get her hair trimmed only the place in town is closed on Wednesdays. So we wisely decided to have ice-cream. Sabrina chose "pink" (cherry ices). I got rainbow sherbet.

As we sat there, slurping, I thought, This is so relaxed. And, If Max were here, I'd have to feed him.

These thoughts hit me from time to time when I'm out alone with Sabrina, thoughts of how easier things can be with her, thoughts of how effortlessly she can do something like eat ices. I feel guilty about these thoughts; I don't discuss them with Dave or friends. I also think they're pretty normal to have. I've said before that I don't regret Max's disabilities, and I don't. But of course I want him to be able to take care of himself, for his sake and for mine.

We finished our ices and came home, and Max's school bus arrived. When Max saw me his entire face lit up and he said, "OMMMY!" We came inside and he had his afternoon snack, a 'Lil Drum chocolate cone. And he wanted to hold it all by himself.


  1. It's so good for you both to have one-on-one days with Sabrina; she's a wonderful kid who loves her brother but the world doesn't always have to revolve around him, there are days when she deserves to be the center of attention and the Princess of the Moment. She is such a beautiful little child, too.

    You should never feel guilty because you freaking NOTICE that your kids don't have the same skill levels, either. That's the hand we're dealt--all you can do is cut your cloth according to the measure, do the best you can for both of them (to include individual outings), and not worry about always treating them "equally"--instead, give each kid what they need.

    And screw those guilty thoughts, girl--until "guilt" can come over to my house and wash the kitchen floor, clean my sticky, stinky refrigerator and rake the leaves, I have no damn use for it! If it doesn't help and won't pitch in, it needs to just get the hell out of the way!

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  3. You're so right, I think the same thoughts. So I hope they're normal! LOL
    I actually think them when I have just Addison, too. She's pretty easy to take places, doesn't talk my ear off or have a fit in Target because I don't have time to go to the toy aisle to scope out new Cars, and she certainly doesn't pout the next 2 hours because she was told "no."
    Anytime I'm with just one kid, I find it infinitely easier. Probably because their needs are so so different. Which really makes me wonder why I long so strongly for a third one?!?!?
    Enjoy your Thursday!

  4. Felicia, my guilt doesn't do housework. :) And, yes, I am going to enjoy plenty of one-on-one time with the kids these next few months, I'm sure. Debbie, you are so right! When I'm out with Max alone sometimes I'll think, "Oh, this is easy!" I also can't stop thinking about a third....

  5. I say go for the third Ellen...join my chaos!

    Your so right about the thoughts being normal...I have those kind of thoughts about all three of my children...and my husband. I love all of them very much, but sometimes I lose complete interest in being a wife or mother. Maybe I should get a little more 'me' time and I wouldn't feel this so often ;)

    Glad to see you enjoyed your first day 'off'.

  6. Hi Ellen -- those thoughts are so natural.

    There will be times when you can't help making comparisons between your kids or with other kids.

    We're human!

    Great to hear about your special time out with Sabrina.

  7. I'm so proud of you for being able to talk about your feelings this way. It's so tabboo in our culture for a mom to ever express any sort of regrets about her kids. But I think we all feel that way from time to time. When my kids are all at Grandma's I'm always stunned by how calm and quiet things are, and by how much I realized I missed that feeling. It's not that I don't love them or want them back... just that life is more complicated with them around.

  8. I had a similar experience yesterday - sitting outside a cafe conveniently placed next to a train station (my boys LOVE trains!!) with little Bean who was wandering from the table to the fence to look for trains. The ease of his movements reminded me that this would be a totally different outing if BC were there.

    BUT still a fun one. I definitely think one-on-one time with each child is always something to treasure.

    I'm planning 'dates' with my children as they get older - just to make sure that I really do give them each that individual time and get to know them a little as separate little beings ;-).

    OH AND YES, go on! Have a third!!! Sounds like the time is RIGHT for you!!!! (or you could wait a few months and gauge just whether the craziness that I am expecting to face will be worth it.....) ;-)

  9. This is what I meant when I said that your blog is real. Thanks for being so open and willing to discuss your feelings and thoughts. I think every parent has these kinds of thoughts with their different kids because each kid is different. I've only got the one and sometimes I look at other people and their kids and think how much easier things seem. But like others before me have said, each kid has his/her own challenges. Heck, that also includes us parents. :)

  10. Ellen, beautiful post. I actually had one of those days too yesterday with only one child and WOW how easy but boring too! as for a third one for us? NO!!!lol Bron xoxox

  11. I know what you mean.

    It takes some self talk to let yourself off the hook, and to enjoy no work or responsibility.

    Of course you don't resent Max or what he brings to the table.

    It's just that sometimes it is so nice to have an easy kid, just once in a while.

    I know. When I'm with my youngest, the one that requires no special food, or feeding, or behavioral issues: it is just so nice to join the regular folk, and how they live, you know? Even if it is only for a few hours.

  12. I get ya. When I'm with Amelia, I feel grateful she doesnt need specially prepared food or that she has no sensory issues. It is so nice to do typical kid stuff with her like read a book or play a game without turning it into a therapy session. Most of the time, I forget she has CP.

    I have 2 children, one typical and one near enough to pass. So I have had the typical child experience before Amelia came along. And tbh while it is a little harder, I dont pity her anymore. I have no fears about her future.

    Amelia is not someone who requires vast amounts of help. Louise I dont compare Amelia to her older brother Henry as she is mostly on track. FYI, Anon, your child is NOT a thing therefore you say who not that....


Thanks for sharing!

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