Thursday, October 29, 2015

How to dress up like the parent of a newborn for Halloween

If you usually wear contact lenses, remove them and put on your glasses. Ideally, the lenses should be slightly dirty, as if you have not had a chance to wash them or basically do anything for yourself for the last few weeks except occasionally eat and drink and take bathroom breaks.

• The night before, do not sleep so you have that glassy-eyed, delirious appearance.

• Do not shower or apply moisturizer or perfume. No skin lotion, either, if you want to do this right (new moms can't spare the time).

• Do not put on any makeup except for approximately nine to ten pounds of undereye concealer.

• Do not do your hair; you're going for that haven't-washed-it-in-a-week look.

• Put on a nursing bra and stuff it till it looks like you are a 60G, followed by your granniest granny panties, your most shapeless top and your most shapeless sweats, yoga or maternity pants.

You will look extra authentic if you create spit-up stains on the top and/or wet spots by your boobs.

• Place a burp cloth over one shoulder.

• Dab a bit of spit-up behind each ear so you have that Eau de Spit Up scent.

• Stick out your stomach and/or pad it so it looks bulgy and lumpy.

• Fill your trick-or-treat bucket with samples of nipple cream and Soothies Gel Pads.

• Borrow a baby. If you can't get your hands on one, no worries: People will immediately know what you are. Especially if you have wet spots.

• As you stuff your face with Peanut Butter Cups, make a show of Googling whether it is OK to eat peanuts while nursing.

• If anyone asks you about something as you make the rounds, be it politics or a recent episode of The Walking Dead, respond with some disoriented remark about breastfeeding, poop or sleep.


  1. Laughed and grinned because so true!!! And a good three inches of roots showing because you may have stopped highlighting your hair in anticipation of not hitting the hair salon...

  2. Is Ben dressing up for Halloween?

  3. What about the cluttered diaper bag?

    1. I left that out because I regularly forget to take one when I leave the house!

  4. Replies
    1. You should have seen me when I woke up this morning. #scary

  5. Seriously, Ellen?! You look like you are 20!!! Having a baby definitely has not aged your smile or looks!

    1. Thank you! Our living room light is very flattering and forgiving.


Thanks for sharing!

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