Thursday, October 1, 2015

Some guy online was cruel so I told his mother


You wouldn't think that blogging about parenting a child with special needs would incur disgust, wrath and vitriol. Yet over the years, it occasionally has. Mostly, I choose to pity the haters—what kind of pathetic human beings make fun of a kid with disability, or attack a parent trying to raise awareness and respect? Do these people even have mothers? Yes, it seems, some do. And I know because I tracked down one of their moms.

A few years ago, I made a video to explain why the words "retard" and "retarded" are demeaning and hurtful. People regularly leave comments such as "What a retard" and "He's a retard, no matter what you call him," similar to ones left here when I've written on the topic. But one comment—"Your son is retarded. get over it. jesus christ go kill yourself already—stood out, both for its hostility and because the commenter's full name and photo were displayed. Anger flared as I stared at his face. He looked to be in his early twenties. I did stupid stuff in my twenties that I regret, to be sure. But nothing hurtful or cruel, like this.

I write about Max in part to show just how much more a child is than his disability, and to help people better understand kids with special needs and be more welcoming toward them. I expect some to disagree with me when I take a stand, and that I'll encounter ignorance and prejudice. But I had a visceral reaction to this guy. Not that commenters who hide behind the wall of anonymity and spew venom are any better—that makes them cowards, too. It was just that laying my eyes on an actual hater was disturbing. It made the possibility of Max someday encountering someone like him all too real. It made my mama bear instincts kick into high gear.

Usually I just click "Report spam and abuse" and then "Hate speech or graphic violence." This time, I decided to track the guy down. Facebook friends gave me some leads, but in the end it was remarkably easy: The "about" section on his Google+ page listed his college, city and state, along with a place where he'd once worked.

In a minute, I found his Facebook page. He was in a relationship. He was now studying music at an institute. And he clearly had no problem displaying his disdain:


People have varied approaches to dealing with haters and trolls. Jimmy Kimmel has an ongoing Celebrities Read Mean Tweets About Themselves series. Months ago The Holderness family, of Xmas Jammies fame, did a Comments of Love video, setting choice phrases such as "This family makes me want to sterilize myself" to the tune of Seasons of Love from Rent (which is why they had to take it down). Heather Armstrong of Dooce created a Monetizing The Haters website, complete with noxious emails and comments she gets—and revenue-earning ads. People also hunt down trolls with tools like IP Tracker Online and other tactics, as detailed in this Forbes article.

Then again, you can tell their mothers.

I Googled around some more. This guy's parents held civic leadership and community positions and seemed like good people. I wondered if the mom might want to know what her son was up to; if this were my child, I would, no matter his age. His online nastiness could come back to haunt him during a job search. His comment was traceable to their family and could have an impact on them. And maybe, just maybe, his mother would want to let him know how awful he'd been.

Some time later, I wrote her a letter. I hesitated to send it; was I being stalker-like? But the feeling passed; I wasn't the creep. This is the note I mailed:

Dear Ms. ____,

My name is Ellen Seidman. I’m a journalist, but I’m writing to you as a mother about a matter concerning your son, ___.

I write a blog called Love That Max. Max is my son, and he has cerebral palsy and intellectual disability. Several years ago, I started speaking out against the use of the word “retard,” which perpetuates negative stereotypes of kids and adults with intellectual disability. The Special Olympics has a dedicated campaign for this, Spread The Word To End The Word. Many parents like myself—who want nothing more than respect for our children—have spread the word.

I made an awareness-raising video that I put on YouTube called "Would You Call My Child A Retard?" It’s attracted many comments over the years, including one your son left several months ago. Here’s a photo of the comment he left:




You can see it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16CxvRjx-34

I could have reported this to YouTube as "hate speech or graphic violence” or “harassment or bullying,” which is what I typically do with comments that are offensive. But this comment crossed the line, as it was both cruel and seemingly threatening. Plus, your son chose to comment using his photo and full name.    

It was simple enough to Google ___ and find information about him. I had many thoughts about how to proceed—should I contact his school and tell them? Should I contact him directly? But in the end I thought, I'm going to tell his mother. I hope she'd like to know.

If you find this unnerving, please try to imagine how I felt when I saw your son's comment. I usually don't let them bother me; I choose to pity the people who say such things. But this one has stayed on my mind.

I hope you seize this opportunity to speak with your son about respecting people with differences. Words do matter. The way we describe and talk about people with disabilities matters. My son and others like him have enough challenges and roadblocks to overcome in this world. Using respectful language isn't the answer to making people more welcoming to him (if only), but every bit helps.

Like many parents of children with special needs, I will do anything and everything I can to pave the way for my kid, even reaching out to total strangers.

An apology from your son would be appropriate. If nothing else, I ask that your son delete his comment from my YouTube video. I will not do that for him, and it will remain there until he does.

Thank you for your attention.
 
I was dubious I'd hear back. About a month later, though, I got an email from her.

She wrote that she was "sad and sorry" to receive my note. She said she has two older siblings who are deaf and that growing up, "they were frequently subjected to being teased, ignored, ridiculed and called 'retards.'" She noted, "I have taken great pains to educate my children about the importance of valuing differences and standing up for others." She told me that she'd spoken to her son about my letter and the hurtfulness of his comments. She said her son was a "troubled young man" and while she had worked to address his issues, she rarely saw him.

"Please accept my heartfelt apology for the pain my son's comments have caused you," she said.

There it was, proof that the commenter had issues—exactly what you suspect about haters. And a sobering reminder that mean people can be raised by decent parents. I felt badly for her. Yet I thought she had to know that her adult son's shameful behavior was linkable to her, and he needed to know that there are consequences. I hoped her words had an impact on him. In the end, I didn't regret reaching out to her.

I emailed back, thanking her for her apology. I said I hoped her son would soon be on a better path. "You never know, do you, what course parenthood will take," I wrote.

I waited a while to see if this guy would remove his comment. He didn't.

Months later, I went to YouTube and deleted it myself.

27 comments:

  1. Wow. I'm glad you contacted her & yet very sad for her at the same time. I can only imagine what it would be like to have a child with special needs but to have a 'typical' child that has issues, like this young man obviously does, must be beyond difficult. He's an adult & makes his own choices, but how painful & heartbreaking for her to know that her son has acted like that & there's nothing she can do. She must feel some level of responsibility for his behavior, whether she has any part in it or not. What a horrible, sad, helpless feeling. I'm not blaming you at all for contacting her. Maybe it will impact her son somehow. I sure hope so. Praying for him & for her!

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  2. Wow, what an interesting and sad story. You just never know what goes on in people's lives.

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  3. I completely understand your reasons for doing what you did...but I can't help feeling that it was just NOT the right thing to do. In the end, all it did was embarrass and hurt this young man's mother. And if her son truly is troubled, she is facing enough stress and hardship without having complete strangers complain to her about her son. It would be different if it were a child, but this man was an adult and responsible for his own words and actions. It is not the mother's fault and just as they do not know what your family is going through, you do not know what they are going through either. The Internet is a nasty place, and what this man said was truly appalling. You were hurt by his comments, and rightfully so. However, taking it upon yourself to contact his mother likely had zero impact on him, but it DID have an impact on her. Was it worth hurting and humiliating his mother? Did it make you feel any better or vindicated? Again, I understand your fury and you went about contacting her in a respectful way. But I don't think it was a good decision.

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    1. As a parent, I would want to know. The email didn't hurt and humiliate his mother. He did that. All Ellen did was give a parent information that she needed, painful or not. If she's trying to help her son, being in the dark about his behavior isn't going to make that any easier.

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    2. As a parent, I would want to know.

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    3. Parents are not responsable for their adult children. If you had known the man who wrote this awful message and his family,it would have been one thing, but you found this woman on the internet not having a clue of whether as a parent she wanted or did not want to know about her son's behaviour. You took the decision for her, assuming parents should know. This man did something disgusting, but not something illegal, and if you use the internet to spread your word, hate messagges are (sadly) an inevitable part of what you will get. I just want to add that I disagree with you on this one, but I very much admire your writing and raising awerness, and want to thank you for teaching people about compassion and dignity.

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    4. As I started reading Ellen's post, I was thinking much as you do. I would not recomned this kind of step for anyone. However, I think Ellen handled it very well, very diplomatically.

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    5. My mom says if my sister and I do anything bad, she would want someone to tell her. She applies that idea when she told a neighborhood parent about her teenage daughter's reckless driving,

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    6. Telling this mother had zero effect on her ability to influence her son. And, it made her feel terrible. The only person who felt "better" is tattle tale you. Bad form IMO.

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  4. Trolls are awful. I have received rude comments on some old flute videos from a serial troll; I blocked the user.

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  5. So glad you did this, Ellen. You are the voice of so many. Thank you.

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  6. So many angles to understand in this situation. If nothing else it gives us insight into just how complicated families truly are. Cause for more pause, and less judgement all around. Time for feelings to be mended and for all mothers to unite in our common effort of raising responsible, honest, thoughtful, and productive young people.

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  7. I think that what a lot of these trolls have in common is that they feel disadvantaged and denied any help or recogntion for their problems. They see disabled people seeming to get all kinds of help and consideration, and they think, "Why them? Why doesn't anyone care about me, my problems, how I feel?" Their thinking is distorted and self-pitying, but I do think it helps explain some of the more vile comments we see.

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    1. I agree with this completely. I think that anyone who behaves this way thinks that they are the real victims. Either that or they're so worried that the world will see their short-comings they hurry to point out someone else's. That's my experience.

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  8. Always advocate to end the use of the word. I have done that this week. I was eating lunch with a group of people(one of my good friends, her boyfriend and his friends) and this one guy said " Come on (one of his friends) you're such a r-word." I said "excuse me but please don't use that disrespectful word." He didn't respond and about 10 minutes later he said "Come on (another friend) you're acting so r-word Ed" I was rather annoyed so I said " Would you please stop using that word? It is very disrespectful and hurtful to people with disabilities." His response was "Yeah but (his friends) aren't disabled." "I know they are not but nonetheless it isn't a word you should be saying. It is incredibly hurtful and offensive to myself and tons of other people." He then said " people are so set on being politically correct these days." Then lunch was over. Not saying the r-word has not to do with being politically correct(atleast not for me). It has to do with respect, respect for other people. It's a very simple concept. I've been fighting against that word since May of second grade.(I'm now in 12th). I am glad you contacted that man's mother Ellen. You are a fantastic advocate for this cause. Has Sabrina heard the word yet? If so how did you react?

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  9. It is very good that you contacted her. People can be mean and bullies to other with disabilities. I for one have been called a retard more than once and it made me feel really bad. Has Sabrina heard of the R word yet? I know my older brother sometimes used to use it until 1. I told him what it meant and how it offended both myself and others with intellectual disabilities and 2. When I showed him your awareness video. I am sorry anybody would ever say that about max and about you!

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  10. I mean, of course I would want to know, and it's not like he sent you a private letter - he put that hate on the internet, for everyone to see. I think it is your right to do with that information whatever you want, whatever makes you feel better. Did you hear the This American Life with Lindy West, when she found and confronted her troll? I think it's very satisfying, or at least more satisfying than just being sad and helpless about it, which is how I feel when someone says something mean about my son/me.

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  11. I think you owe that poor mother an apology. You drew her into the ugliness perpetrated by her son, for whom she no longer has any responsibility. He is a grown man and you should have dealt with him and him alone. You have no idea what she has been through in trying to help her troubled son and only served to hurt her, in order to make yourself feel better. The self-righteousness and sense of entitlement on your part are painful to see. I believe there are better ways to get the message out that that word (I won't even use the shortened form) is unacceptable, especially without hurting innocent parties.

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  12. Firstly, I love your blog. I love reading other parents perspectives and experiences. As a parent having a child with some special needs I appreciate the honesty that others are willing to share-share themselves to raise awareness but I am sure also bring comfort to other's hearts.

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  13. Ugh. Really, just ugh. But rather than contacting his mother (or perhaps as well as), you could have contacted the place he is studying and reported the abuse to them. Chances are he's using their computer systems to post abusive messages. It's clearly some time after the fact, but I would still consider doing so.

    As for the commenters here who are saying the mother should not have been contacted, since she can be identified and tracked down as a result of this, I would argue that she should to know.

    In any case, I'm sorry that you had to deal with this.

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  14. Ellen,

    Every time the issue comes up I give you sound advice, every time you choose your way and nothing gets accomplished. How do you even know it was his mother? For all you know it could have been that ignorant kid. Let's call him what he is a biggot. This is how you get people to recognize the problem. I'm sorry I respect what you 're trying to do, but it hasn't worked in the past, didn't work now AND will NEVER work in the future
    Try my method of comparing the "r-word" with the "n-word"! Then say one is a horrible lie used freely in today's society without fearr of reprocussions, the other is just the "n" word. Try it ONCE PLEASE I want to know what kind of feedback you get THEN post your results to your blog. I bet the outcome will be completely different

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  15. I've seen the comments saying this choice was the wrong thing to do. I have to say I think it was a good idea! I often think of telling people who do bad things that their behavior would make their grandmothers ashamed of them! I don't think you meant to embarrass or hurt the mother, but maybe just to show the young guy that the stupidity he spews online does hurt people... and yes, it does stay there publicly for everyone to see, including his own mother! If he doesn't care about that at all... well, that just goes to show what type of person he has turned out to be.

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  16. I haven't always agreed with how you handle situations, but I thought you handled this with a lot of class and tact. As you said, by contacting his mother and ultimately removing the post on your own, you actually protected this family. You displayed a lot grace. I'm sure the other mother appreciates it.

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  17. I love this Ellen. Good for you. If I was his mother I would have wanted to know.

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  18. Good for you. Things may not have played out just as you intended, but we cannot control that. The situation could have played out many ways. Maybe you would have found a mother with a similar attitude to her son. Maybe you would have found a complacent mother in denial who refused to believe you, even though the proof was in front of her eyes. And maybe you would have found a mother astonished at what had happened, who was able to reach out to her child and show them the error in his ways. At the end of the day, you spoke out for your child and really all children facing special needs. And maybe you only made a tiny drop in his bucket, but drops do have ripples.

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  19. Hello, a friend sent me youe blog link after I experrienced some trolling this week. I admire what you did. My blogging friend Pip Lincolne said that sometimes, these trolls aren't monster humans, they're humans like us. I think she's right. This man clearly has issues, and his mother should know.
    Thank you for writing this, for sticking up for disability issues, and for having so much dignity and composure. I too write about disability issues, and this was the subject of my attack.
    Carly

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Thanks for sharing!



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