Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Clueless Wives: The Interview

Men had all sorts of reactions to yesterday's post, Clueless Husbands: The Interview. Some guy on Twitter called it "hostile." The ever-wise (and ever-funny) Ken from Blogzilly suspected that women secretly want to be in charge (not entirely untrue). And then there's my new Twitter pal Bruce Sallan, a columnist who writes the syndicated newspaper and website column "A Dad's Point of View" and who decided he was man enough to write a rebuttal. Let's give it up for Bruce and his brave wife, Debbie.

I'm just a guy. And, according to Clueless Husbands: The Interview, I'm probably just lame. But it got me thinking about gender differences. So I thought I’d do some journalistic investigation myself. Because once and for all, I'd like to understand: What the heck is SHE thinking?

Me: “So, Honey, why do you leave the garage door open whenever you leave the house?”

Honey: “I don’t ever leave it open!”

Me: “Okay, it must have been my imagination, Sweetie. Then, why do you sometimes (I’m not allowed to say “always”) leave the lights on all over the house?”

Sweetie: “I don’t ever leave the lights on!”

Me: “Of course, I must be mistaken, Darling. May I inquire why you like the air conditioning on with all the windows open?”

Darling: “I never do that either. You have no idea how busy I am, how much I do around the house, how hard it is dealing with the kids and the stress I’m under!”

Me: “I know, I know, Darling. The fact that I work as many hours as you do, work tirelessly on my new business, and do the majority of the kid-care, and the walking of our 3 dogs, is really worthless. Forgive me, Scrumpchkins. So, tell me, did you see the doctor today about those hot flashes?”

Scrumpchkins: “Do you think I have the time to see the doctor? I had to get my hair colored today, return several clients' calls, and the traffic to and from work was a nightmare.”

Me: “I’m so sorry, MushPoo. It sounds as if you had a horrible time.”

MushPoo: “You have no idea. And then this light went on my car and I made an appointment to have it fixed.”

Me: “You mean the light that says you’re almost out of gas, SweetiePie?”

SweetiePie: “Whatever, the car needs a wash anyway.”

Me: “Well, I gotta pick up son #1 from his sleepover, and take son #2 to his guitar lesson. Need me to pick up anything for you, SweetiePie?”

SweetiePie: “Yes. Pick up the take-out order from Mama’s Italian for us on your way home?”

Me: “Of course.”

Two hours later, as I’m nearing home, both boys in tow, dinner next to me, I get the following text: “Pick up a bottle of Chardonnay, too.” I turn the car around and get the wine. Boy, she has it tough. Later that night, I continue the interview:

Me: “Hey, HotStuff, I was thinking about what you said earlier, about the horrible commute into town you do. Have you ever thought about trying to get a transfer closer to home, given that you work for a franchise that is nearly everywhere?”

HotStuff: “Don’t be silly. I like the people at this location. Besides, it would be impossible to start over out here. You don’t understand anything.”

Me: “Yeah, I guess so. But, really, Dearest, there’s got to be something the doctor can do about those hot flashes. Having the AC on and off all night, piling on and off the blankets, makes our sleep sort of restless, you know?”

Dearest: “I know you don’t understand how hard it is being a woman and that our plumbing may be just a little bit different than yours, but when I find the time to see the doctor, I’ll ask him again. I’ve tried everything already and that’s just the way it is. You couldn’t possibly understand…MEN!”

And, with that, I turn on the overhead ceiling fan, turn down the AC, put half the covers on me and remove the other half from her, roll over, and think to myself, “Wow, she really has it so hard…I’m one lucky guy!”

Bruce Sallan has a very active imagination, according to his wife, when he read this piece to her.


  1. I didn't realize that garage door anxiety was linked to the sex chromosome, but my husband has that too. LOL!

    I have to say this piece was hysterical!

  2. Really love both interviews! Thanks for sharing.

  3. Thanks for sharing!!!! Loved both of them!

  4. My husband almost fell out of his chair laughing! He says it's a carbon copy of our conversations. Hey, wait a minute. I never leave all the lights on!!! :)

  5. This should be required reading for any couple contemplating marriage!

  6. PUHlease! Nothing tops Male Refrigerator Blindness. No matter how many light I leave on, my husband can't find a gallon of milk in the fridge if there's a jar of mayo in front of it.

  7. Hey Bruce, This was hysterical, but you forgot to finish the part at the end of the night while we are in the middle of having a hot decide that you want sexual favors! what a Way to top the night off.

    Really though, nice interview!

  8. This was an absolutely hysterical post and so perfectly showed that the battle of the sexes is one for the ages. I don't think one will EVER understand the other! It's great that we can read things like this to see the humor in it all. Thanks!

  9. Bruce, thanks for taking on the man's side of the discussion. I think most are missing the major point which you perfectly executed. How ridiulous these trivial arguements can be. Pretty easy to find fault with a spouse or gender. Don't need to look far for differences. The reason men are always looking for stuff and think women know where it might be ? From the beginning, didn't they take one of our ribs? LOL

  10. Great post! Both of them. If you focus on a subject long enough, it is very easy to find a fault. Whether it is the "subject's" issue or your own issue, is a completely different story.

  11. I followed @BruceSallan here from Twitter and was delighted to find your Love That Max blog and your @LoveThatMax twitter stream which I now follow from @LindaSherman. I was also pleased to discover Blogzilly and Barry's SingleDadLife.

    Bruce - I do think you need to add "humorist" to your self-description. This was hilarious. For humor to work, it has to have truth in it and certainly both of these companion interview pieces do. Although I would agree with several of the comments that this small stuff isn't all that important.

    I was single many years before meeting my second husband. After much experience dating, I knew he was a keeper and after 16 years, I can declare that I certainly was right. He is a wonderful husband. Yes, he nags me about turning off the lights. Very small matter. He does most of the food shopping and cooking - I can sympathize with refrigerator blind husbands. The person loading the refrigerator is the person who knows where everything is. And definitely the CEO of the kitchen.

    I worked in Japan 20 years and learned a lot about Japanese families. In Japan, in the traditional home, the woman being CEO of the household is very clear. The husband delivers his paycheck and gets a small allowance out of it. In America gender roles are less clear, which is why I liked Blogzilly's comment.

    Oh and for hot flashes, Promensil - which is all natural - is the bomb.

  12. Wow, Bruce your interview and that of your counterpart are hilarious! They perfectly illustrate the day-to-day frustrations many couples experience with each other.

    However, the most important thing to remember is not to let minor irritations build up over time.

    When dealing with your spouse, a little patience, understanding, and HUMOR can go a long way!


Thanks for sharing!

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