Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Clueless Husbands: The Interview

Dave S. walks into the living room, looking far more fit and tan than the online photos reveal. "Honey, do you know where the ketchup is?" he asks, disarmingly. His wife stares at him, given that the ketchup is in the same exact place it has been for the last eight years. "It's in the side pocket of the refrigerator," she says. "I couldn't find it!" Dave replies. His wife dashes to the kitchen and throws open the fridge door. "There! It is right THERE!" she says, triumphantly. Dave grabs the ketchup. "Thanks!" he says, cheerfully, leaving his wife standing there, dazed and confused.

It is the question women everywhere have on their minds: WHAT is he thinking? Or, as the case may more often be, what is he NOT thinking? How is it possible that a man who is capable of holding down a big-shot job and dealing with big-shot clients, a man who devotes his life so selflessly to his children, a kind, gentle, good-hearted man, is still so seemingly clueless at times? We got the exclusive interview.

Interviewer: "So, were you forgetful as a child?"

Dave: "No. I always had a high IQ."

Interviewer: "Well, you've heard of absentminded professors, right? When did this forgetfulness start? And do you think it had anything to do with your mother?"

Dave: "What was the question?"

Interviewer: "OK, let's talk about the rumors on Perez Hilton that you need your wife to send e-mails to you to remind you about upcoming events."

Dave: "That's very true. I think every husband has that done. What's the problem?"

Interviewer: "Sigh. Now, with your permission, I'd like to talk about a recurring theme in your life. How come you use your wife's face towel to clean the bathroom floor when it gets flooded during the kids' bath?"

Dave: "Because it gets wet! We should invest in a bigger bathtub. Can we construct one, do you think? Is there room?"

Interviewer: "Your wife will get back to you on that. Right now, I have a few more probing questions. Quick, what size shoes do the kids wear?"

Dave: "Sabrina wears a size 12 in shoes, and Max wears a size 7, boys."

Interviewer: "Almost! Sabrina is an 11, Max is an 11. What size clothes do the kids wear?"

Dave: "Sabrina wears a kids' Large, Max wears a kids' Medium."

Interviewer: "Very good! And what size are they in dresses and pants?"

Dave: "Sabrina's a Big, Max is a Small."

Interviewer: "Close enough! That qualifies you to do all of the back-to-school shopping! But how come you don't like to dress the kids?"

Dave: "You're much better at that than I am."

Interviewer: "Sigh. OK, name one of the teachers Max had last year."

Dave: "Maryellen."

Interviewer: "Interesting. Name one of Sabrina's teachers."

Dave: "Maryellen?"

Interviewer: "Nyet. OK, let's shift gears here. What dress size is your wife?"

Dave: "Seven."

Interviewer: "I'll take that. OK, now let's clear up one of the biggest mysteries to hit the news last week. When you e-mailed your wife at 10 p.m. on Saturday night while she was attending a party at the BlogHer conference to inform her that baby ants were crawling all over the kitchen table and she needed to call someone, what were you thinking?"

Dave: "I was thinking that the exterminator did not take care of it the last time he was here. Look! There's an ant!"

Interviewer: "And what were you thinking your wife would do with that piece of information at 10:00 o'clock on a Saturday night?"

Dave: "I wanted to know how I should handle it. Do you think we should cut up that watermelon tomorrow? I still need to read the Sunday paper. Look! Another ant! Get it!"

Interviewer: "Helloooooooooo....."

Dave: "OK! I thought you could call the exterminator the next day."

Interviewer: "On a Sunday? For baby ants?"

Dave: "Yes. Where there are baby ants, there are big ants."

Interviewer: "And how about when you e-mailed your wife on Sunday morning to let her know Max had wet the bed, and asked what you should do? Were you thinking there was some secret strategy involved, aside from removing the sheets?"

Dave: "Usually you do that, so I needed help. I also wanted to let you know about all the excitement that you were missing."

Interviewer: "And now, the question on everyone's mind: Why do you leave your socks and underwear on the bedroom floor?"

Dave: "I assume you'll get them."

Interviewer: "Sigh. Do you feel misrepresented and misunderstood?"

Dave: "Maybe. I gotta call the water company, we went through bottles so fast this month. Can you e-mail me tomorrow morning to do that? Like my new glasses? I got compliments all day long on them. Harvey wants me to fly out to Canada next week to help him with his business, is that OK? Oh, I made plans with Roger tonight, have to go. Love you. Remind me tomorrow to order some more bottles of water."


  1. Love it!
    Your conversations with your husband are much more interesting than mine. "Yeah" "No" "Uh" and my all time favorite: "I don't know".

  2. Lol! This reminds me of the time I was away with girlfriends for the weekend & my husband called because he couldn't find the remote for the tv. Like how am I supposed to freaking find it?

  3. I'm chuckling over here. My husband is equally clueless.

  4. Wait? Were you talking to my husband?

    Mine leaves his socks and t-shirt on the floor NEXT to the hamper. I just don't get it. He also calls me at work to ask me where his belt is. Though I guess he's right to... I always seem to know!

    At BlogHer he called and then handed the phone to my hysterically crying 5yo who couldn't find her camera. I talked her down and then talked her through finding her camera. But really? Did he really need to do that?

  5. I was out working late, extra work, mind you, to save up for our family vacation. I asked the husband to make the dinner. What are we having, he asked. Pasta with shrimp, garlic, and parmesen cheese, same recipe as we usually do. I tell him how to saute garlic (pre-chopped) in butter/olive oil, add to warm up shirmp, add the drained pasta and parmesan cheese and serve. I get home and he SMILES at me when I ask him if dinner is done he says HE BOILED THE WATER FOR THE NOODLES.

  6. tee hee.

    I NEVER pick up hubby's clothes off the floor. My son picked up a pair of boxers off the floor and put them in the hamper... then looked at me like I was insane as I retrieved them from the hamper and put them right back on the floor;

    "Daddy needs to put his OWN clothes away."

  7. My husband is currently staying in our vacation home, about an 8 hour drive from our house. He called me on Monday to tell me he can't find his wallet and wanted me to help him find it. REALLY? Over the phone you want me to tell you where you left your wallet??

  8. You described my life perfectly with my lovely husband until the time I became ill and had to take chemo. Now he has to remember where he puts stuff cause I just can't. Now that is another hilarious story... ;-)

  9. I KNEW it was because they'd assume we'd pick them up.

  10. I'm going to break Man Law and reveal something to you that you probably already know. The reason we are like this with our spouses? Because deep down we know that this is what you really want. You want to be Commander in Chief of the house, and with it comes certain perks but also certain frustrations.

    You SAY you don't, but we know you do. It validates you in ways that you need as a wife and mother since womanhood sort of takes a radical shift when a woman gets married and then becomes 'Mom'.

    See, we used to validate you in other ways. Sexy stuff. Romantic stuff. That was when we were just 'lovers'. As soon as we became a 'family', everything changed and changed to the way that would make you the happiest wife and mother you could be.

    See, being this way in a marriage reminds you that you are in charge and we both know it, but also that we accept it, recognize your power and ability to BE in the leadership position, AND we know deep down, as you do, that it is the best thing for the entire family unit because there is no way in Hell that we could handle it.

    But we know you can.

    Occasionally we step outside that space we have defined for ourselves on your behalf and do some things for you. JUST you. To let you know that we still think you are sexy and terrific and a great conversationalist and amazingly smart and creative.

    Then we go back to the X-Box, take off our shoes, which stink, leave them in the middle of the floor and scratch our balls while we are supposed to be picking up the kids.

    THAT, my friend...is a man TRULY loving his wife.

  11. I needed the laugh today, thank you!!
    Similar to what myself and my husband sound like and I was wondering if we were the only couple like that!

  12. This is really funny and very relate-able, husband AND ant-wise, unfortunately. Loved it.

  13. on behalf of all of us Homer Simpsons out here I'd just like to say ..... hey is that pie?

  14. How come u didn't interview my D for this story? Whenever he dresses G for bed, he asks me which pjs he should put on her. Like certain pairs are for certain days of the week? I'll never really get that one...

  15. Yes, you have managed to capture the essence of the subject matter. Let's face it, even great guys (like Dave) who mean well, just sometimes need a female to take care of certain things, even when they are perfectly capable of doing it themselves. They need us!!! My Steve is great with Margo, but only with proper supervision and guidance!!

  16. Oh how typical husband :o) My guy keeps reciting his "to do" list to me. Over and over and.... "hon, there's a pen and paper right next to you."

    "Oh, I don't need to write it down."

    Hmmmmm... REALLY???

  17. love this post ellen!!!! hope you have been well. make sure to check out my new blog when you can!! i putting yours on my favs. :)


    xo nicole

  18. Alright, that's not even fair. From now on posts such as these must start with the WARNING: Spit out your gum prior to reading!!

  19. I don't get it? What is wrong with his answers? Seems very reasonable to me? Just as reasonable as my wife LEAVING THE LIGHTS ON ALL THE TIME, leaving the garage door open, and ALWAYS asking how to work the television set!

  20. David...what a character! He cracks me up.

    You're a brave soul Ellen! :) - R

  21. These comments made me LAUGH. Well, except Cynthia's...very sobering to think of men being forced to be more on top of things because of a spouse's cancer. I hope you are beating it.

    Ken (aka Blogzilly): Ya know, I don't disagree.... I do like being the CEO of our house, but it's a chicken and egg thing, because I'm just more organized in general than Dave so I have to assume that role. He is also more patient than I am, among the many other ways we balance each other out.

    I have been going back and forth on Twitter with one invisible_daddy who has been firing off tweets about how this post is hostile/perpetuates steretoypes. Er, Dave participated? Er, the truth is he really is clueless at times, and happily admits it? Er, I didn't say it was true of all men? Er, if Dave were to write Overcontrolling Wives: The Interview I'd gladly participate. Guilty! But Dave won't write it anytime soon 'cause he will be too busy killing baby ants and asking me to call the exterminator.

  22. too funny. my husband and your husband (and i guess most husbands) are so alike. i have a whole blog just with instructions for my dearie.

  23. This post is hilarious! I was actually giggling the entire time. It sounds like my brother. He is SO oblivious.

    Once he was trying to convince me that he wasn't a typical teenager, that he was way more observant than the average bear. As we drive home he goes "whoa! They're building a house there?"

    Facepalm.. Yes Lukie. They are. and they have been for six months now!!!

  24. It's amazing that husbands and wives can actually get through a day together, never mind a lifetime! Thanks for sharing this fun, witty look into the vast differences between the sexes. :)

  25. This is just so funny! You and your husband must be stinking hilarious together.

  26. Ok. Ha Ha Ha. Very funny. Hope all are amused. Can't we all just get along :). Talk about worrying about the small stuff! Everyone is good and focuses on different aspects of life. Stop complaining about such nonsense. This is exactly what irks me about TV and commercials. Belittling the man of the house. Easy chuckles I know. But could you every imagine the same being done to women? Hey I love women, have a great wife, and two daughters. Just hope my son finds a wife later in life that doesn't whine about silly stuff and focuses more on his good points then belittling what is viewed ad shortcomings.

    Remember, children are like video cameras on legs. They are watching how you treat your husband. Vice versa of course.

  27. Too funny. Same thing happens here, hubby has a fairly important job where his intellect is needed. At home he seems to seize any brain activity. I at times find it exhausting like the time he asked me if he needed clean uderwear. Seriously how am I supposed to know if his underwear are clean I am not wearing them.
    I sometimes think our daughter is less dependant.

  28. This made me laugh harder than I have in a long time! I also liked the follow-up, by the way.


Thanks for sharing!

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