Thursday, May 4, 2017

Stop the special needs mom shaming


Recently, when we visited a dude ranch, I was chatting with another mom when I heard Max's distinctive screech from across the lobby. I excused myself and arrived to find him upset. Nothing had happened; he was just overly tired. He'd been doing a lot of activities and he tends to poop out sooner than other teens. Because of the cerebral palsy, his muscles work extra hard.

"AAAAAAAAARGH!" said he, and like the beasts the character Max confronts in Where The Wild Things Are, my Max roared a terrible roar and gnashed his terrible teeth.

There were a lot of people around. Some kids stopped and stared, along with their parents. "Man, she needs to keep that boy quiet!" said a nearby mom, and I turned to her and gnashed my terrible teeth only I think she missed it.

You know how it goes.

Your child is having a meltdown: in a restaurant, at the supermarket, in Target, at a park, in whatever public place. Even as you channel all of your energy into calming him, you notice the looks directed at him...and at you.

What is wrong with him? the stares say. And what is wrong with you?

Dealing with a child with special needs losing it in public can be a double whammy. Not only do some people wrongly assume your child is a brat, they may figure that you are a crappy mom to boot. It's something parents of children with sensory issues, autism and other special needs regularly have to contend with.

Mom-shaming is pretty rampant, reveal findings of a survey by Beech-Nut, the sponsors of this post. Nearly 80% of 1,000 millennial moms polled have experienced some form of shaming, and 68% agree that the problem is more of an issue now than it was five years ago. This is why the company's launched a campaign, Turn The Labels Around (hashtag #ShowMomsLove). It calls on moms to stop shaming and to come together to support each other. As Beech-Nut Veep Andy Dahlen puts it, "The only label that matters is 'mom.'"

As a parent of three, I've experienced various forms of mom-shaming over the years: Disdain from another mom when I showed up late from work to a school event, tsk-tsking when I've discreetly nursed in public and, once, disbelief from a mom who asked how I could spend a weekend away from my kids when I mentioned that I occasionally attend blogger conferences. I'm lucky that I live in an area where most people are open-minded. Shaming was at its strongest when Max was younger and had major sensory issues. Going to new places—restaurants, museums, kid events, amusement parks—freaked him out, and he'd regularly have the mother of all meltdowns.

Shaming moms of children with special needs delivers an extra helping of hurt. That's because we are typically doing our best (well, most days!) to help our children navigate a world that can seem scary, and our nerves are already frayed. Getting the evil eye when our child is acting out because of sensory or cognitive issues is rubbing salt into an open wound.

Sadly, according to the survey 78% of moms have experienced shaming or judging by their own mothers or other family members. I've had the opposite experience with my mom. While she's been known to nag me for leaving the house without lipstick, she has been wholly supportive of my motherhood since Max came along 14 years ago. I can't say the same about all my family members, including one who used to chide Max at birthday parties when he wanted to help open presents.

Mother's Day is coming up, that wondrous occasion of breakfast in bed, homemade cards, flowers and goodwill toward moms everywhere. This survey is an important reminder that moms need to be kind to each other year-round. Judge less. Empathize more.

At times, I've called people on the shaming. When we were at a children's museum a couple of years ago and a mother kept glaring at a hysterical Max, I said, point blank, "He has special needs and he's overwhelmed right now. Thanks for your patience." She seemed taken aback that I'd spoken up and blurted "Sorry!" I hope it gave her pause for future stare-downs. You never do know why a child is losing it.

You also never know how much a kind glance or a few words can mean to a mom. Several years ago, we were in a restaurant and desperate to subdue Max, who was wailing loudly. Finally, we distracted him with a video. I felt drained and sad. A mom at another table caught my eye. "You OK?" she mouthed. And that was exactly the comfort I needed.


This post is sponsored by Beech-Nut, but all opinions are my own. 

13 comments:

  1. I never realized just how harshly mothers judge one another until I became a mother myself and five years and two kids later I'm still baffled by the mothers who feel the need to be so negative. When I am anywhere...a store, a restaurant, etc...and I see a mom who is frustrated by her little one acting out, crying or throwing a tantrum, I always offer a smile and say "been there!" just so she knows it's ok and she's not alone. LOVE that you spoke up to that judgy mom, good for you!

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    1. I just don't get it either. Even before I had kids I never judged moms or kids having meltdowns.

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  2. I've been the shamee, the shamer, the comfortee and only occassionally the comforter....I'm going to try my darndest to be more of a comforter, introvert that I am..mommies need to unite!

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  3. I guess I'm "lucky" I as Molly is in a wheelchair so it's more obvious she has CP and developmental delays, but I know what you mean. I try to smile in the face of it when I can. I specifically remember one instance leaving a baseball game in Toronto many years ago. The bottom of the 9th inning had been pretty tense - behind by one, someone got on base, followed by a walk, the crowd was getting more and more spun up and so was Molly right along with them. Then suddenly someone hit into a double-play and the game was over. The crowd deflated immediately but Molly didn't lol. It was like she had stored all the crowd's energy and now it had no place to go but out. All the way to the subway station she screeched - a high pitched, piercing scream of pure joy. All I could do was smile a big grin at people as they turned at us in shock and horror. Luckily (if you've ever tried to leave a MLB game after it's over) it was fantastic for parting the crowd - we made it to the subway station in record time! �� The one's that hurt though are the mean ones. I rarely take Molly to restaurants but we had a lengthy power outage one time and I had no choice. While we were waiting for the bill I noticed the father of the family sitting near us was actually mimicking Molly's mannerisms in order to make his family laugh. I was so dumbfounded that all I could do was stare at him incredulously. I just couldn't comprehend that someone could be that balled faced mean. Even when he knew I was looking at him he never stopped. His kids were in their early teens and I could tell they were uncomfortable but they still laughed at him (albeit a little nervously) but I couldn't fault them with the obviously horrible parental role modeling they'd received, but I have to say I've never been so hurt and angry in my life. On my way out some people who'd been waiting in line and had probably witnessed the whole thing held the door open for us and told me I was a good mom, but even that did little to help. One of the few times in 17yrs that the "baddies" got me. We still haven't been back to a restaurant since ☹️

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    1. Wow some people are so frigging mean! I'm a very mouthy mum when I need to be so he would have been shamed in front of the whole dam restaurant and I would have made management aware of his actions what a vile person I'm so very sorry you had to go through something like that but don't let that stop you from going out to eat not many people are like that! Keep your head up xx ❤

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    2. Whoa. Can you imagine growing up with a mean, narrow-minded, intolerant father like that?! His poor children.

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  4. I have been asked, point blank, by adult an adult total stranger when David was very overwhelmed in a store "God, What did you do to make him like that?" I could hear my heart break. I was sure she watched me turn bright red, my eyes filling with fire, smoke pouring out of my ears just like Yosemite Sam as the rage rose up inside me. I snapped "I gave birth to him, and something wrong. What's your excuse? What did your mom do to you to make you a heartless...." it rhymes with witch. I wasn't proud of my outburst, but apparently the women in line around me were, because that one earned me a round of applause. I never cease to be amazed by the polar juxtaposition of kindness and hatefulness within the human race. I have always assumed a child was tired or hungry or overwhelmed or simply freaking out for no reason, as kids are prone to do sometimes, when they are having a meltdown. I disapprove of parents who allow their children to run amok in inappropriate places, like stores & restaurants, completely unchecked-but a mother who is clearly trying to do her best, no matter if her child is ignoring her and continuing to scream like they are being murdered-those mothers always have my respect. I always see them. We are all going through something.

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    1. Again, you have to wonder what kind of person would say something like that! And touché on asking him what made him so awful! "We are all going through something" should be a bumper sticker. Hugs to you, mama.

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  5. Also: A band parent passive-aggressively insulted me (told the other parents about how her children eat sushi on a regular basis and how she ended up fine* on a "eat it or starve" policy) because of my food aversions. I'm sure she feels so much better about herself after effectively bullying me for having a neurological disorder! Funny thing is, she did not say anything about the vegetarian students who likely chose to eat that way.

    *I guess she's not so fine if she felt the need to bully me for having a disability. :/

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  6. What I find hard is that my sons special needs are mostly invisible, because he is very high functioning, people expect him to "act his age" because of his unseen functioning - he isnt always able to do this....and I find myself in a place where I don't know if I should swallow my pride and let people think what they want about him or my parenting, or tell the whole world that he has special needs and potentially shame him, because he would be very embarrassed by being treated or viewed differently...I don't necessarily want to put the label special needs on him everywhere we go when most of the time he can function well enough that its invisible to those who don't know....but yet then people do make assumptions that are often incorrect about him or my parenting when he is then impulsive or misses social cues etc etc . Its a no win situation.

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  7. Love your blog! Have a special needs younger teenaged brother myself, not easy. One time when we went to Funspot with a group of friends, one of the people(An adult!)was rude to my brother, because my brother was too scare to go on the roller coasters. Got really angry at that adult, my brother has a heart mummer & klinefelter syndrome, he could had a medical emergency. Needless to say, never talk much to that adult anymore.

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Thanks for sharing!



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