I am the only person in our household who ever notices that we need more t.p. The kids never give it a second thought—it magically reappears in the holder on a regular basis, placed there by The Toilet Paper Fairy. The spouse assumes that my good old trusty eyeballs will notice the dwindling rolls and raise the alert.
And this is why I rock.
Come Mother's Day, it is doubtful that any mom anywhere will receive a card that reads: "Happy Mother's Day to the woman who always notices we are running out of toilet paper." This is a good thing, because anyone who presented their partner with such a sentiment would die a quick death. But the point is, we mothers deserve props for our seeing superpowers.
This is not to disparage my beloved. Hells to the no! Although perhaps I feel ever so slightly smug that I am the person who stays on top of such stuff, this isn't about him. This is about me, and my uncanny ability to see things. Not dead people; no, stuff that comes in far more handy, and enables our family to basically exist.
• I am the person who notices we are running low on clean silverware/
bowls/plates/favorite cups.
• I am the person who notices we are running low on coffee pods.
I am the person who notices we are running low on clean underwear, unless you count the pairs with holes which some people do.
• I am the person who notices we are running low on toothpaste/dental floss/mouthwash/anti-cavity rinse in bubble gum flavor and NOT the one with SpongeBob on the bottle/soap/shower gel/shampoo/conditioner/that detangling spray that supposedly wards off lice [insert product critical to good hygiene].
• I am the person who notices we are running low on matching socks, unless you count the pairs with holes which some people do.
• I am the person who notices we are running low on eggs, milk, bread, yogurt, butter, cream cheese, chocolate ice-cream, that pasta shaped like little wheels, Cheerios and other food basics.
• I am the person who notices we are running low on granola bars, brownie bites, dried fruit, kale chips, cheese sticks, Pepperidge Farm Goldfish and other lifesaving snacks.
I am the person who notices we are running low on ketchup, one heavy burden to bear.
• I am the person who notices we are running low on OJ, juice boxes, chocolate syrup and the organic strawberry lemonade our son has been drinking by the gallon.
• I am the person who notices we are running low on Bac-Os, although I keep meaning to look those up to see if they might kill us.
• I am the person who notices we are running low on creamy peanut butter and chunky peanut butter and Natural with Honey peanut butter and whipped peanut butter and I so wish our family had consensus on p.b.
I am the person who notice we are running low on sprinkles, that essential food group.
• I am the person who notices we are running low on aluminum foil, plastic wrap and Ziploc bags. (As someone wise once said, "You can never be too rich or too thin or have too many Ziploc bags.")
• I am the person who notices we are running low on vitamins, aspirin, Tylenol and Midol, and while I am the only one to care about running out of Midol it would benefit other people to care about this too.
• I am the person who notices we are running low on tissues, Children's Tylenol, Benadryl, Band-Aids, Neosporin, bacitracin, Aquaphor, more Band-Aids [insert items critical to children's well-being].
• I am the person who notices we are running low on gift wrap, birthday cards and birthday candles.
• I am the person who notices we are running low on light bulbs.
• I am person who notices we are running low on dry-cleaned clothes to wear to work.
I am the person who notices we are running low on AA batteries, AAA batteries, C batteries, D batteries, 9-volt batteries and ALL THE BATTERIES.
• I am the person who notices we are running low on crayons, markers, colored paper, tape, glue sticks, glitter, index cards, highlighters and, sigh, who was the last person to use the scissors?
• I am the person who notices we are running low on paper towels, sponges, laundry detergent, bleach, stain spray, dishwasher detergent, sponges, dish soap, refills for the scrubbing thingies, bathroom soap, hand sanitizer, bathroom cleaner, furniture polish, dust rags, floor cleaner, glass cleaner, all-purpose cleaner [insert products critical to household cleanliness].
• I am the person who notices we are running low on children's outerwear after most has gotten left at one activity or another.
• I am also the person who notices we are running low on children's clothing that actually fits them.
• Not to mention shoes that still fit them.
• And the hats.
I am the person who notices we are running low on storage space for the kajillion toys and games and race cars and fire trucks and crappy plastic thingies from birthday party goody bags.
• I am the person who notices we are running low on stamps/matches/paper clips/
various crucial little things.
• I am the person who notices we are running low on family photos and that we'd better take some before the kids are in college.
• I am the person who notices we are running low on sunscreen, bug spray and Chapstick.
• I am the person who notices we are running low on writing utensils and where do all the pens go, anyway?
I am not the person who notices we are running low on wine, gas/oil for the car, sriracha-flavored almonds, cloud storage, date nights, phone chargers and a bunch of other stuff but, back to me.
Because my seeing powers don't end with the above.
• I am the person who locates the missing stapler/keys/sunglasses/favorite t-shirt/favorite toy/book/homework folder/library card/lacrosse stick/lacrosse pinnie/lacrosse socks/lacrosse headband/TV remote/pool passes/whatever is making someone wail "Mommmmmmmy, I can't fiiiiiiiiiiiiiind it!"
• I am the person who observes, right before bedtime, that various iDevices are lying around uncharged.
• I am the person who notices that veggies in the produce drawer and fruit in the basket are rotting.
• OMG how can you people not notice the fruit flies?
• I am the person who spots the squished raisins under the kitchen table, the dustballs under the dresser, the mound of lint in the dryer filter and the mystery substance on the sofa.
• I am the person who finds the bag of clothing on the floor of the car that was supposed to be returned to the store three weeks ago.
• I am the person who discovers that the basement light is still on.
• I am the person who foresees needing gifts for the birthday party, graduation party, anniversary party, every party.
• I am the person who notices the throw in the living room hasn't been washed in approximately eleven years. But at least I finally noticed.
All this is in addition to the vast amount of details and to-dos packed into my brain including—but not limited—to:
• My family's clothing and shoe sizes
• When library books are due
• School permission slips and medical forms that need signing
• Box tops that must be cut
• Payments that are due for sports teams, gymnastics, music lessons, dance class and the recital outfit (which never ever costs less than $70 and is never ever to be worn again)
• The recipe for the best chocolate-chip banana bread in the history of chocolate-chip banana bread
• When the kids' various annual doctor and dentist and specialist appointments need to be booked
• The phone numbers for the doctor and dentist and specialists
• When prescriptions need to be refilled
• Which of the kids' friends has nut/sesame allergies
• The precise location of the stone pestle and mortar set to make guacamole, the frog boo-boo cold pack, the good picnic blanket and the Tom the Turkey stuffed mascot who graces our Thanksgiving table every year
• The memorized outfits of every teacher I've ever had, including the one during my semester abroad in Florence
• The phone numbers of my two best friends in fourth grade
• All the words to Jessie's Girl
I rarely get credit for my observational talents. I see, I do and I conquer, tirelessly and without complaint. Er, mostly without complaint. OK, I complain. But has our family ever had a t.p. crisis? Nope.
It doesn't take a village—it takes me.
Because I am that person who notices we are running out of toilet paper.
And therefore, I rock.
Also check out:
How to get your family to give you exactly what you want for Mother's Day: SLEEP
