New York City Council plans to ban use of "mentally retarded," people freak out

Today, The New York City Council will introduce a bill to banish the use of the words "mentally retarded" from official documents and sites and instead use "developmentally disabled," the local news reported. As Councilman David Greenfield noted, "People use it in an insulting way."

The move is in line with New York state and federal law governments, which changed the term in 2010 (for info on where your state stands, check this page on Spread the Word To End The Word). Comments I saw last night on CBS New York ran the usual gamut:

Inevitable comment from someone who thinks he's being brilliantly funny by using the word: "That's retarded."

Inevitable comment from someone who believes people are being too p.c.: "How sad...while we are dedicating our time to being politically correct and not offend anyone, places like Japan are testing out Maglev trains and running bullet trains going over 200 mph.... Thanks for making political correctness a big priority here in the states, RETARDS."

Inevitable comment from person who gets it: "Some of you people are just plain IGNORANT and RUDE."

Inevitable comment from person who thinks they are Merriam-Webster: "The word 'retard' is not derogatory in all context."

Inevitable comment from person with special needs who's been hurt by the word: "You people can joke about this all you want, but it's not funny. I had a speech impediment and I was relentlessly teased in middle school."

The truth is that, like Max, many kids and adults who suffer the consequences can't speak up for themselves. As his mom, it pains me—and many parents of kids with disabilities—to hear the word retard freely tossed around. So I'll say it again (and again), for Max's sake and others': Even if you aren't using the word to directly insult a person with intellectual disability, you're spreading the idea that people with ID are stupid, pathetic, losers and just plain uncool. As if kids like my son don't already have enough social challenges to overcome.

People can cry freedom of speech, people can take the stance that other insulting words will come along to take the place of "retard" and "retarded." I say, please use another word that doesn't demean people with disabilities—and use these initiatives as jumping-off points for conversations about respect and equality for people with special needs.

Image: Poster by graphic designer Alison Rowan

Would you call my child a ret-rd?

"I use the word retard every day."

"A campaign against a word is retarded."

"Thicken up ur skin and stop taking this stuff so seriously!"

"Being called a retard is a common insult that is usually deserved by the recipient."

"To speak out against the use of just one word, simply because it's personal to you, is unacceptable."

These are some of the recent comments I've gotten on posts about how demeaning the word "retard" is. Last year, when I did that Twitter project where I tweeted at people who used the word retard, I got responses that were even more lovely. 

Today is Spread The Word To End The Word Day, part of an ongoing campaign against the r-word created by The Special Olympics. As I write this, close to 250,000 people have signed a pledge against the word "retard." A kajillion more don't get what's so wrong. And so, I made this video.

Most people would never call a kid with cognitive disabilities a "retard" to his face (and if you are a person who would do that, step away from this blog and go search for your soul). If you wouldn't say the word to my child because you know it's offensive, you should avoid using it elsewhere, too. Either way, it's demeaning. Either way, it hurts my child.

Feel free to post the video on your blog, tweet it, Facebook it, beam it up to alternative life forms. It would mean a lot to me. No matter what, thanks for taking a look.

Ultimately, this isn't just about a word—it's about respect. It's about getting people to consider kids and adults with cognitive impairment equal members of society. It's not about censorship, either; it's about starting a conversation on how people can better treat Max and others like him.

Max has enough challenges to overcome in life without being haunted by ghosts of stereotypes past. As his mom, I want to give him every possible advantage. If asking people to not use a word could help my son in some way, you bet I'm going to ask.

A sister speaks out against the word retard, another sister learns

Yesterday, I watched a video called "Retarded" by a teen girl named Regan. A reader, Stephenie, sent me the link.

I cried as I watched it. Those words hurt. I thought back to how painful it was when some jerk on Twitter tweeted at me "How is the photo wrecker?" after I asked him not to use the word "retard" and how I had to go to Urban Dictionary and look up what it meant.

I cried because I get a little dejected when I write about how vile the word "retard" is and people write back stuff like "You are so retarded" or defend its usage. Not that I am going to stop speaking out about it.

I cried because I was moved by her strength and love.

I cried because I yearn for Sabrina and Max to someday have the relationship this sister and brother have.

Then I showed the video to Sabrina.

We've never yet discussed the word "retarded." She is still trying to grasp what special needs means. The two of us were out having lunch the other day and she saw a teen boy in a wheelchair at another table eating with his family. He looked like he had cerebral palsy.

"He's special needs," she said.

"Yes, he has special needs," I said.

"He holds his hands like Max does sometimes," she said.

His hands were tucked downward.

"Yes, sometimes Max does that," I said.

"And sometimes when Max eats he holds his hands like this!" she said, and she pulled her arms up tight against her body.

"Yes, Max has cerebral palsy and having that means that sometimes your muscles get tight," I said.

And then she didn't ask anything else and I didn't offer up any more. I let her steer these conversations.

But I really wanted her to see the video. I knew she wouldn't understand all the words or totally grasp the concept, but she'd see this sister's love for her brother.

We sat on her bed and watched it together. I read the words out loud as Regan held up the slips of paper. "What's that mean?" Sabrina asked a bunch of times. Her main observation: "She has really long hair."

Afterward, I explained to her that the word "retarded" is a word people used to use to describe people with special needs, but now we don't use that word anymore because it's mean. I said that people still use that word when they think something is stupid, but that it's still a mean word to use.

She listened, and had no other questions. And then we were done—for tonight, anyway. Because this is a conversation we're going to keep having for many years to come.

Be the change you want to see in the world, said Gandhi. Word.

While I was at BlogHer, a few moms told me that after reading my post about tweeting at people who used the word "retard" they'd either quit saying it or had taken to asking other people not to. Loved hearing that.

Katie from Overflowing Brain mentioned something particularly awesome. She used to be a high school teacher, and she'd give kids demerits for saying "retard" and "retarded." Only their parents would sometimes fight her on it, and tell her they weren't words that merited demerits. Katie would point out that the by-laws of her class specified those words weren't allowed. "Thankfully, the school principal and dean supported me," she wrote to me last night when I asked her more about it, "and I'm proud to say that by the end of each school year, I had broken most of my students of the habit. I know a few teachers adopted the same policy in the last year I was there." Get psyched, parents: Katie is studying to be a physical therapist.

It's not always easy to call people on the use of the words, I know. A few weeks ago, a neighbor exclaimed "That's retarded!" as we were walking home from the train, deep in conversation about work stuff. I didn't want to derail our chat, but I couldn't keep quiet. I put my hand on her arm. "I know you didn't mean it, but that word is offensive to me," I said. She apologized, said her mother had always told her not to use it, and that she'd try harder. Then we went right back to talking about work.

My saying something to one person and airing pleas on this blog, Katie giving out demerits to students—small efforts, I know. Neither of us are going to change the world or eliminate the word, but we are changing perceptions among the people in our circles. And to me, that's a lot.

Meanwhile, if you haven't heard about the uproar over the new movie The Change-Up and its use of the word "retard" and "Downsy" (a whole new slam!), check out the post I did on Parents. Be warned, you're gonna get mad.

A shocking video to get people to quit saying "retard"

"I call my nieces retards and they love it. Retard is a term of endearment."

That response to my little campaign against the use of the word "retard" on Twitter haunts me, along with other negative ones it received. The level of insensitivity and ignorance was extreme, and the name-calling was the least of it. People got up in arms—and downright defensive—about being asked to reconsider using a word that is so offensive to parents of kids with special needs, people with disabilities, and people in general who have a heart/brain.

There's no ignoring the new public service announcement, "Not Acceptable," from the Spread the Word to End the Word campaign. It's airing tonight during the Glee finale, but you're getting a first look here.



I am all for the shock treatment when it involves a cause like this; clearly, some people need it. Do you get it now? I'd like to ask naysayers. Do you? It's a nasty word, a slur like other words you'd never use. Would you say "retard" at work now? Would you say it in front of your priest or rabbi now? Would you say it in front of your mother?

I hope this PSA has the effect it's intended to have. Besides Fox, MTV, TNT, CNN and several other networks have committed to featuring it. The more we can get the conversation going about this word, the more awareness will be raised. And the more awareness raised means the more people will think twice about using "retard" or "retarded." Even if you dig in your heels, even if you call your nieces "retards," you will surely have some pause the next time you say it.

What kind of reaction did you have to the video?

Update: A year after this video aired, I made one of my own, Would You Call My Child A Retard? Check it out here.