Wednesday, January 22, 2020

When you enable your child in weird ways


Max's favorite phrase these days is "It's disgusting here!" As in, I don't understand why you are forcing me to live in an area that's cold if I could move to sunny Los Angeles. His second favorite phrase is "I don't like it here!"

Me, I refuse to give in.

"I like it here," I say. "I like having different seasons. I like snow."

Max will look at me and shake his head.

"No, it's disgusting here!" he'll say, once again with feeling. "I'm moving to Los Angeles!"

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Dave takes the opposite approach—he totally enables Max. When they are in the car, they only listen to KIIS radio on Sirius XM, a Los Angeles station. Dave got Max a California phone number for his Apple watch. Then there are the daily pep rallies. The two of them are up early in the morning, our living room is right below our bedroom and I often wake up to the sound of them gleefully shouting.

Max: "IT'S DISGUSTING HERE!"

Dave: "Yeah! And you're going to move to Los Angeles!"

Max: "YEAH!"

Dave: "Because it's cold here and it's snowing and who needs that?!"

Max: "YEAH!"

Dave: "And you'll get a big, cool house!"

Max: "YEAH!"

Dave: "And you'll go to In-N-Out Burger!

Max: "YEAHHHHHHH!"

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

And I'll lie in bed and wonder whether Dave should be doing that. His enthusiasm is real—like Max, Dave can't stand the cold. Palm trees are one of his favorite things in life. He and Max could be very happy together in L.A., although there are three other members of our family.

Is it wrong to humor Max this way? Part of me thinks that Max is well aware this is all talk and fantasy. Part of me isn't so sure. And yet, he feels certain that L.A. is his home.

This is not to be confused with all the other ways we have fueled Max's obsessions/interests over the years, buying him all things Lightning McQueen, referring to him as Purple Car Wash Spaghetti Max when he went through several phases at once, going through car washes multiple times (on the same trip), visiting fire stations everywhere. When Max is passionate about something, he is all in.

Sabrina chooses not to engage. Ben can go either way. If Max pisses him off, he'll announce "MAX!!! You are not moving to Los Angeles!" If it's a good moment, he'll remind me that Max is moving to Los Angeles.

Besides pep rallies, Dave and Max's other favorite activity involves asking Alexa what the weather is in Los Angeles. Dave usually does the talking because Alexa doesn't yet speak Max.

"Alexa! What is the weather in Los Angeles for the next week?"

Alexa will pull up the forecast and Max will scan it and happily point and say "Wow! 77 degrees!" or whatever the highest temperature is.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

I mean, yeah, I did buy him a Los Angeles sweatshirt when we visited in December. But that's what tourists do, right? And yeah, so what if I let him wear it a few days in a row, I wash it! Mostly!

Anyway, I am here to report that Dave has a business trip in L.A. mid-February and Max has that week off school and....

Um.

8 comments:

  1. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing!

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  2. Every time I look at a photo of Max in recent months, I am so thoroughly impressed with the continued straightness of his legs! Hard-won on his part, but it must make things easier.

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    1. The surgery he had a couple of years ago to straighten out his left foot, Selective Percutaneous Myofascial Lengthening (aka SPML) really worked!

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  3. You never know what will happen in the future! Maybe Max will get his LA dream. And if not? We all need our fantasies. Sometimes it seems like disabled people are expected to be very realistic and not have any potentially unrealisitic, not iep approved dreams. Which I call BS on.

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    1. Jamie, you are so right, you never know! I jest about us enabling him in weird ways because sometimes we literally talk about moving to Los Angeles every 15 minutes, having the same talk each time. And those morning pep rallies can be pretty over the top!

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  4. Is it maybe a weather thing after all? It wouldn't be unusual for someone with mobility issues and maybe chronic joint pain to crave 12-month warmth and no snow. Or maybe it's just because LA's popular image (or one of them) is especially focused on very specific, very concentrated bursts of fun ... like theme parks, cool burger joints, and other eccentric "Hey look at this!" attractions.

    It's probably a good thing I'm not in your parenting position, because I would have a very hard time just letting Max be with his enthusiasms. I would have too many interrogating questions which would quickly switch from helpful and clarifying for Max, to satisfying my own curiosity.

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    1. Hi! I've had adults with CP tell me that his love for warmer climates (Florida was his destination of choice before L.A.) could relate to how much better his muscles feel in warmth. Max himself hasn't said yes to this when I've asked him, so he might not be aware of it. The most he's said about his love for L.A. is that "it's cool."

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Thanks for sharing!



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