Thursday, March 14, 2013

And now, a word from Max's sleep-deprived dad

Hi, everyone. This is Dave, doing a guest post. Ellen is actually typing for me and I am dictating to her, but I think it still counts, right? I am not as fast at typing. She is also better at writing, but I am better at cooking.*

* Clarification: He is better at finding good take-out places.

I wanted to explain some stuff about dads and sleep deprivation because I think moms get all the credit for that. Every day, at about 5 in the morning, Max wakes me up with a little whack on my head. He does not do this to Ellen, just to me.*

* This is because of Dave's long-standing reputation as a human marshmallow; Max knows he'd never get away with this with me.

If I ignore him, he pulls my hair. Then I get up because Ellen is still sound asleep,* not that I am bitter about her sound-sleeping abilities.

* I am usually faking it because I need more beauty sleep than Dave does. Also: Every night he conks out at around 10 while I am up till midnight doing house stuff, kid stuff or work. I think moms get none of the credit for that.

Then Max and I have a little routine. He takes me to his room and he points to his Cars 2 DVD player. He says "Mine!" so I know for sure that it is his and not, say, Sabrina's or the new pope's.

Then he asks me to make his bed* and to put his Cars 2 bed tent in the correct position.

* Up until this point, I had no idea Dave knew how to make a bed. This is interesting news.

Sometimes we give his Cars 2 armchair a shake just to hear Lightning McQueen's voice. I have spent a disproportionate amount of my salary on Cars 2 merchandise,* but I am not bitter about that either. 

* See: "human marshmallow" above.

Once the bed is in good shape, we go downstairs. Some days, Max likes us to make scrambled eggs together. I hide his powdered anti-seizure medicine in them. It's harder to hide the stuff in Rice Krispies. Then Max wants to either check out some YouTube videos on his iPad of Cars 2 clips or the Disney Cruise. Or he wants me to wrap a blanket around him and settle him in front of the TV to watch Disney Jr.

Meanwhile, I'm kind of awake at this point and too lazy to walk back upstairs, so I just lie on the couch, stare into space and wish I were in my bed.

Even though I am sleep deprived, it's all worth it. At least I don't look sleep-deprived, I don't think.*

* He doesn't. He is as handsome as the day I married him.

I welcome your sympathy for my sleep deprivation.*

Ellen is not going to be able to type anymore because I am about to doze off on the couch.**

* I suspect I am the far more sleep-deprived person of the two of us, not that I'm bitter about that.
** He passed out before I finished typing this.


  1. Love this post! You are both hilarious!

  2. He is VERY handsome!

    And y'all are much better people than I am. Charlie has a TV in his room specifically for mornings where he wants to get up and watch TV before normal people are conscious.

  3. great post! Will share with my 50/50, humorous, sleep-deprived hubby :) Thank God for them!

  4. Great to hear about Dave's special early morning routine with Max! He'd definitely get brownie points in our house!

  5. Ha! You guys are hilarious, loved this post! :)

  6. This post is hilarious! Loved it.

  7. Hey Dave thanks for giving us a peak into a night in your life I'm sure Max appreciates the fact that you deprive yourself of sleep for him. You're an AWESOME dad I wish my dad and I were closer I tried reaching out to him but when he looks at me I feel like all he sees is my wheelchair it doesn't help matters that he avoids being seen with me in public at all costs.

    PS. Get some sleep Dave.

  8. This was a great post, Dave and Ellen! Thanks for giving me insight into your life as a sleep deprived dad - and giving me a little giggle while you were at it. ;)

    Now go enjoy a nice nap, Dave!

  9. Dave, Ellen, you are wonderful. Love the post, laughed almost continuously!

  10. Great post Dave!!! Why does Max wake up so early??? Obviously he did not inherit Ellen's sleeping habits. Anyway, Max is very lucky to have such wonderful parents- both of you!!!

  11. Hilarous Thats all I have to say oh and my moms comment "Men!" :)

  12. All I can say is ... does Dave have a brother and is he single?? :-)

  13. Love this post :) I have also been accused of being marshmallow Dad. Maybe we can start a club....

  14. I read this to my husband who is also a sleep deprived dad and he appreciated it!

  15. Y'all are quite the team! This is hilarious and everyone should get a chance to see the lighter side of two parents parenting our delightful children! :-)

  16. Hilarious post. Just finished reading the Affleck inspired one. We all get lazy in our relationships sometimes it's true, but you two clearly have a great time together. Thanks for writing.

  17. Hahahh Loved this post so much. I am pretty sure my hubs doesn't know how to make a bed, either. Also, the post I did on anti-R word sucked. PLEASE read this instead?

  18. Cute! Love this post, Ellen. Started my day with a smile.

  19. That picture is fabulous--what a couple of good looking guys! Say, Dave, you don't happen to have a considerably older brother....?

  20. I love this post...witty banter between married couples in a blog. Gave me a much needed laugh!



Thanks for sharing!

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