Friday, November 20, 2009
Who's more emotional about your child: you or your husband?
I was in Babies 'R Us recently to pick up some stuff for Max. It's not a trip I enjoy; when I'm there, I think about the fact that Max is almost 7 and he still needs baby-ish paraphernalia like Bibsters, cloth bibs, those plastic bowls with suction-cup bottoms.
The nice woman behind the checkout counter struck up a conversation about what a great invention the Bibsters are. She has a one-year-old, and I was sort of praying she wouldn't ask how old my kids were, I just didn't want to get into it. She didn't.
As I left the store, it occurred to me that I should just send Dave to get this stuff. He wouldn't think twice about it. He doesn't think twice about any care or help Max needs. I've mentioned before that sometimes, feeding Max stresses me out, part of which has to do with the fact that I get unnerved that my little boy has trouble eating. Not Dave. He cheerfully feeds Max all the time.
Sometimes, it feels like this disconnect between us, me getting all emotional about certain things, Dave being matter of fact. But that's also what balances us out.
What's the balance in your relationship? Who's the more emotional one?
Me! Me! Me! I am emotional about the entire world, especially my kids, and my husband just thinks everything will be fine. That is about the entire thought process for him. I think my kids will benefit from having those two perspectives but I really fear what would happen if something happened to me and they had to depend solely on a guy who can only shop for one meal at a time. Seriously, this is an issue for me. So I just hope they really do benefit from having the both of us.ReplyDelete
I'm way more emotional than my husband.When we first had our daughter Ruby I would just cry and cry and worry that I couldn't change things for her and make the Down syndrome go away(I wasn't worried about her Down syndrome,I was worried about the medical problems caused by it).My husband would tell me not to be upset and that my daughter ,Ruby, is who she is.It was a comfort to me to hear that.ReplyDelete
I love reading your blog:)
I am for sure the more emotional one. I have troubles moving forward and letting myself believe Gabi is doing as well as she is despite her initial prognosis. I seriously have this feeling that if I feel that "okay and safe" with everything and loose my keen eye for eyeing any potential side affect from her stroke that things will make a turn for the worse. I know silly isn't it. Anyways my husband, he can get emotional sometimes but usually not. He does keep me level headed I guess but I do wish sometimes he'd share the emotional rollercoaster or stress I assume to "ensure Gabi does well" but I guess there's no point in having two stressed out parents about hahaReplyDelete
It's definitely me.ReplyDelete
Dave seems better able to cope with alot of the stuff I can't.
Like staying at the hospital. I go batty after a couple of days, get paranoia, cabin fever, whereas he can do his time and still be sane at the end of it.
Yesterday when I found out we had to stay in for another night, I bawled my eyes out and couldn't stop. It would have been water off a ducks back for David.
He puts it down to spending alot of time in the hospital as a kid himself. I think it's because he is not as connected to the situation we find ourselves in.
He is much more laid back about Ivy than I am.
Great post, Ellen and something that Dave and I have spent alot of time talking about this week, funnily enough.
Me, definitely. Shawn's cried ONE time (that I know of), a few days into NICU. If you even whisper the word PICU in my presence in relation to my kid, I become an instant mess. Post traumatic stress, I guess. Shawn looks at it through his businessman eyes, I think. He is a natural problem solver and really not emotional about much of anything. Me? heh. Notsomuch.ReplyDelete
Ok, since I listen to podcasts a lot I am now kind of an expert on things! It appears true that woman are more emotional and have to "talk" things out. Men just do and aren't as emotional. SO many times I have over reacted and worried and my husband too just takes it in stride and goes forward without worrying. I think it is good most of us are couples that balance out. Also sad I can't remember my password so I am Anonymous again.ReplyDelete
My husband. It wasn't always that way, but I think since I deal with most of the every day stuff, I sometimes become a sort of detached caseworker. I have my moments, but my husband has this regular pure joy when he's with my son. He also got angry for him when the school district was messing us up, which was good, because you need some anger to get through a lawsuit. But when I do go emotional, he's my counterpoint. So we flip flop sometimes.ReplyDelete
Oh I am very much the emotional and stressy one about feeding stuff. My 2yo has laryngomalacia and every time he gets a cold he can't swallow as well and using the simply thick just right makes all the difference. Do you think my husband remembers the 'right way' to do it? Not exactly. I just have this huge store of emotional memory of every meal he's choked/puked at and think those things when I have to revert to feeding him nothing but yogurt and gerber baby foods. He (my husband) went to the GI appt and was so blase about the weight gain goal and I'm the one who worries about it and has to make it happen. Just how it is I guess--especially knowing I'm not the only one.ReplyDelete
I am definitely the more emotional one. I think Hubby has alwasy just pretended Graham was normal, he lets me deal with all the not normal stuff.ReplyDelete
I'm a dad of a special needs 11 year old and I have to say that while our daughter is my world my, wife is more emotional than I am.ReplyDelete
I think it is the whole, Mars and Venus thing. Women will get more emotional while men get into problem solving mode.
But, understand that most men just kind of gunny sack the emotions and dump them out at other times and places. It fuels me at the gym and sometimes in traffic jams.
I loved this post. Your husband sounds amazing, and he reminds me of mine. Where I get all worked up/neurotic/emotional, he is calm & zen, especially with our kids (issue of feeding, especially!). Beautiful post. xoReplyDelete
I'd second some of the comments here about men and women expressing emotion in different ways. I think of myself as being the more emotional one, but I know my hubby carries a lot inside.ReplyDelete
I totally get that feeling of not wanting someone to ask me my kid's age -- my 15 year old is about the size of a 5 or 6 year old, and sometimes I just don't want to get into the whole story with a stranger -- or deal with their reaction. Great post!
I am eternally relieved and grateful that my husband sounds like Dave - just accepts that this is the way things are and gets on with it. I am grateful because I have enough on my plate worrying about BC - I'd hate to have to also worry about how my husband was coping with having a child with a disability too ;-).ReplyDelete
I also love that whilst I am the therapy queen - trying to turn every little activity and outing into the chance to do some kind of therapy, my husband just takes out the boys and lets them be boys. I think it's a good balance.
The only downside is that there are times when I would like him to share a bit more of the therapy role (like right now when I am 7 months pregnant and pretty darn tired), but I think that his easygoing attitude is probably much more important and in the long run much more beneficial to our son!
I'm in the same boat as John. The feelings come out at odd moments; at work, in traffic, at the gym, at the guy who cuts the line ... not as much when I'm with the kids.ReplyDelete
Hubs all the way. I get "stressed," but for the most part I'm matter-of-fact about the cards we've been handed. Teaching did that to me. Can't write? Can't read? Fine, let's say so and get busy. My stress usually comes from interacting with people who don't know us and our situation. If we all know what's up, then I'm usually fine.ReplyDelete
I always say that my daughter with disabilities would be dead if it weren't for me, but I would be dead if it weren't for The Husband. Truly, we are balanced and it's an awkward partnership at worst and completely blessed and sustaining at best!ReplyDelete
I tend to be the emotional one, she tends to be the rock. But it has been that way from the very beginning, it wasn't as a result of my son's disabilities. It's a great balance and an interesting one. Because not only am I the emotional one, I am also EXTREMELY open about my life and my emotions, and she is very limited in who she will talk to about things. She has never really understood my need to blog, but she is often amazed at what I'm willing to admit to.ReplyDelete
I am absolutely 99% the emotional one. When J gets a little shaky, I REALLY lose it.ReplyDelete
We take turns. We were just talking about this today. When he gets emotional, it seems to send me into logical mode, and vice versa. I guess we are the ying to each other's yang, and it helps our little universe to balance itself out.ReplyDelete
I am definitely the emotional one, but also the one that deals with everything so I've learned to toughen up. I'll only let myself get emotional when I'm too tired to hold it in any longer. Tonight, in a tired fit, I was crying because Micah is looking more like a big boy and not a toddler. The older he gets, the more he'll be labeled and discriminated against. Growing up can be so tough for our kids, and I had me a good cry over it. I'm also going to bed early.ReplyDelete
This definitely describes my husband and me too! He is the laid back one, I'm the emotional one. He figures if there isn't anything he can do about it why let it bother him, why stress over it!ReplyDelete
When I wrote about my birth story with Kayla I wrote that after she was born Joe was walking around holding her with a huge smile on his face like the proud father he was ... and I didn't get why I couldn't feel that way.
You're sure not alone with that!
In my house its the other way around. My husband is the emotional one and I'm the laid back one. After Abby was born, my husband couldnt understand why I wasnt crying or moaning like he was. My opinion is if there is nothing I can do, why get anxious about it.ReplyDelete
I'm the happy one, my partner is the sad one. After he told me about his pediatric stroke, he could not understand why I wasnt sad. I guess I'm the yin and he's the yang.ReplyDelete