Monday, April 18, 2016

Those flashes of gratitude for your child's accomplishments


Max was on spring break last week, and one day he invited me and Ben to his favorite diner for lunch. (On me.)

Max ordered mac 'n cheese, fries and chocolate milk. I watched him wolf down the pasta as Ben slept (yes, the baby actually napped). I cut the fries into small pieces and helped Max shake on a massive amount of ketchup. I smiled as he carefully picked up the cup of chocolate milk with both hands and drank it.

I never take for granted the accomplishments that Max has worked hard to achieve, or that have naturally evolved, but there are times when I get these major surges of gratitude for them. This has been happening more frequently lately when I'm caring for Ben and often have no extra helping hands.

As Max chowed, I felt seriously glad that he can feed himself. Holding a cup on his own is a relatively recent feat, and it was awesome to see him controlling the influx of liquid without dribbling much out. 

I've also felt that flash of gratitude when I'm holding Ben and Max is walking down the stairs in front of us, on his own. And when I'm feeding Ben and Max needs to use the restroom and he just goes off and does. And when he turns knob on our back door to let me into the house when I'm carrying Ben in the car seat. And when I need a burp cloth for Ben and Max gets one. And when Max is looking out for Ben. As we were doing a stir-fry in the kitchen the other day and it got smoky, Max asked if it was OK for Ben to be around that.

I'm not only seeing Max in action. I'm also seeing the boy who used to not be able to do whatever it is, and the boy who had to practice and practice , and the boy who may have resisted doing it because he got used to Dave and me enabling him (as is especially the case with feeding). I'm seeing the whole of Max's accomplishments and his development, and I am seriously grateful. 

24 comments:

  1. Accomplishment feeds accomplishment, yes?

    And your house is a development zone.

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    1. Adelaide Dupont....
      Hi there, Friend!! ;)
      "Your house is a development zone." I love that!! So true, so true, so very, very true!! ;)
      "Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn

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    2. I like to think - it's a zone of proximal development

      where everyone does what is near and dear to them.

      Vygotsky emphasised social relationships as a force of learning. He was very into the family.

      I am like Vygotsky - he thought of responsibility; belonging; intelligence. And the ways that we show what we know and can do.

      I was also thinking more biologically - like a Petri dish of comicontant conditions. [they rush; they breed together].

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  2. How does Max learn? (This is a question about learning styles.)

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    1. Hi Anna!!
      "How does Max learn?" That is an excellent question, Friend!! Because everybody has their own unique {to them} learning styles, don't they? Me? I have--I still do--learned best by doing something and figuring it out myself, not having well-meaning people show me how to do this or do that..... Question. What is/are your learning styles? ;)
      "Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn

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    2. Raelyn:

      do you ever find you learn more from the negative than the positive, especially where people are concerned?

      Or from the real or the artificial, however that is defined?

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    3. FlutistPride: or is this more about preferences?

      I tend to think of styles = preferences. Inventorying them is good. Or neutral at least.

      Also about input, retrieval, output and application.

      I know that there are styles/genres in psychology - through which we sift our understandings.

      Coming more to "we do"/"we learn" - which has some interesting forebears in biology and in evolution. It can be co-active regulation with the mother or Important Adult or with a peer or a group when you're a teenager.

      And of course learning changes over space and over time.

      I prefer continuous learning - which would be "Stay hard; stay hungry; stay alive".

      John Marsden. the author, talked about how writers learn and benefit from constraints and challenges. For example there might be a dialogue where the three characters have an overarching idea like "I want you to like me" or "I am so great" or "I am powerless".

      [the characters can also have ideas about others and about the world. Learning from and about yourself can be good in the initial stages].

      This said, jolts in learning and in perception and conception can be good too. Especially when it comes to values and understanding, maybe?

      Yeah, "show me" has its problems. "Well-meaning" can show that it's only one way in the relationship and the "how" bit.

      This is all speculation and there is good art and good science for this.

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    4. Adelaide Dupont....
      "Do you ever find you learn more from the negative than the positive, especially where people are concerned?" That is a good, insightful, profound question, Friend!! As for learning from negative circumstances, my answer is a definite "yes"!! However. I think that I also learn from positive situations, as well!! Does that answer your question{s}? ;)
      "Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn
      PS. My loved ones--family, friends, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera--completely understand that I learn best by doing something, rather than being shown how to do something!! ;-D



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    5. A great question, Anna (and interesting comments from Raelyn and Adelaide). Max learns information best by repetition. He has really high emotional intelligence. And he has a super-sharp visual memory and sense of direction. There have been times he's pointed out, as I was driving, that I was headed in the wrong direction.

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  3. Ellen....
    Max's accomplishments--altogether past, present and future--have been a long time comin', huh? A long time comin'.... You are beaming with pride for Max.... And rightfully so!! Well done, Fireman Max!! ;-D
    "Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn

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    1. Raelyn:

      I feel the beam too.

      Thinking about learning from vulnerability and from a position of dependence more than anything else.

      And also - "show me" has a sense of obligation, of demand - or I experience it as such.

      Thinking about learning from equals, as well as from those very different from us.

      Accomplishment is accomplishment be it long or short. [Quoting Elizabeth the Second here on the impending occasion of her ninetieth birthday].

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    2. Adelaide Dupont....
      "'Show me' has a sense of obligation, of demand - or I experience it as such." My loved ones--family, friends, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera--completely understand that I learn best by doing something, rather than being shown how to do something!! I neglected to mention that earlier!! ;)
      "Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn

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    3. PS.
      "I prefer continuous learning - which would be 'Stay hard; stay hungry; stay alive'." That's right!! I love, love, love that Bruce Springsteen line {it is hanging on my magnetic bedroom closet door} and he loves it, too.... ;)
      "Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn

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    4. Yes, beaming with pride! And Raelyn, you have made me love that Springsteen line.

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    5. Ellen....
      "You have made me love that Springsteen line." Good!! That totally made my night, Friend!! ;-D
      When I was dancing to Bruce today--I tackled The River boxed set, plus a few additional songs--it was so hot, I flung sweat everywhere, and I suffered from a "heat headache"!! Awesome. But I just kept looking at the "stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive" sign on my magnetic closet door and I danced on!! Victory!! ;)
      "Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn

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  4. I loved this post! I find myself feeling all of those overwhelming feelings every time our daughter does something new as well. Like when you ask her to blow a kiss or touch her nose, and she knows what you're talking about, it's amazing.

    Paige
    http://thehappyflammily.com

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  5. Now I've had time to think it over and see it in context - I'm impressed with the first paragraph - how Max co-ordinated his favourite diner with his favourite people and the people who love him most and stand by him and have the highest expectations of him.

    Spring break is awesome for these opportunities as it creates new habits and new routines.

    Yeah - feeding yourself - one less reason to be abused or misused - but not a guarantee. [Though I think you respect the people you want to/have to feed - it's hospitality and care ethic coming through - though they choose to come to your restaurant/diner/to feed themselves].

    "controlling the influx of liquid without dribbling much out."

    And the other piece of social growth - and it is all of a piece - looking around and out for Ben during the stirfry. Mammals have been doing that since mammalian socialisation. Max is such a man like Mowgli and he is going through his jungle, his glade to the man-village. The red flower of course means so much to him, as does the white plume, which Kipling never wrote about!

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  6. I see that Max has also become more independent socially. At the Bar Mitzvah party, Max walked around on his own greeting people, dancing with people, etc. He was a real schmoozer and that is a very important life skill and a big accomplishment!!

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    1. Before the ceremony started, Dave and I were hanging out with Max in the bridal room. He was eating stuffed shells, his favorite dish; we thought he'd be calmer on a full stomach. As he was finishing, guests had started arriving. Max walked out of the room and started high-fiving and hugging everyone in sight. He really is such a schmoozer! I'm writing something related tomorrow!

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  7. So inspiring for me especially today as I have such a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for my little 2 year old son. He is still in the stage of needs lots and lots of help with everything. The milestone are all so monumental and something to never take for granted!! Your blog always gives me hope and something to relate to :) max is such an example/role model for soooo many!

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    1. *YOU and max are such a role model!!

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    2. Courtney, I promise you it gets better. The early years are the most challenging ones, in my experience, because like your son Max needed help with everything, and because like you I was anxious about what the future held for him. Try to focus on the everyday, and the incremental progress. And your best to take time for YOU.

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  8. Great accomplishments! well done Max! Does he need his liquids thickened?

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Thanks for sharing!