Thursday, October 29, 2015
How to dress up like the parent of a newborn for Halloween
• If you usually wear contact lenses, remove them and put on your glasses. Ideally, the lenses should be slightly dirty, as if you have not had a chance to wash them or basically do anything for yourself for the last few weeks except occasionally eat and drink and take bathroom breaks.
• The night before, do not sleep so you have that glassy-eyed, delirious appearance.
• Do not shower or apply moisturizer or perfume. No skin lotion, either, if you want to do this right (new moms can't spare the time).
• Do not put on any makeup except for approximately nine to ten pounds of undereye concealer.
• Do not do your hair; you're going for that haven't-washed-it-in-a-week look.
• Put on a nursing bra and stuff it till it looks like you are a 60G, followed by your granniest granny panties, your most shapeless top and your most shapeless sweats, yoga or maternity pants.
• You will look extra authentic if you create spit-up stains on the top and/or wet spots by your boobs.
• Place a burp cloth over one shoulder.
• Dab a bit of spit-up behind each ear so you have that Eau de Spit Up scent.
• Stick out your stomach and/or pad it so it looks bulgy and lumpy.
• Fill your trick-or-treat bucket with samples of nipple cream and Soothies Gel Pads.
• Borrow a baby. If you can't get your hands on one, no worries: People will immediately know what you are. Especially if you have wet spots.
• As you stuff your face with Peanut Butter Cups, make a show of Googling whether it is OK to eat peanuts while nursing.
• If anyone asks you about something as you make the rounds, be it politics or a recent episode of The Walking Dead, respond with some disoriented remark about breastfeeding, poop or sleep.