Wednesday, July 3, 2013

The fireworks dilemma: Should he stay or should he go?


Max has a new gesture in his repertoire. He raises his hands in the air, makes a "oooom!" sound and then shakes his head "no." What he's saying is, he's aware there's a fireworks display on the 4th of July, and he's not having any of it.

Here's a little documentary I made on the topic, soon to be screened at the Sundance Film Festival:



Trouble is, although you can hear the fireworks from our house, you can't see 'em so well.

Now, this is what we could do: Try to coax Max into it. Dave and Sabrina could head early to the park and snag a spot for us. I'd show up close to the start time with Max, who will have his headphones on, and try to lead him to where they are.

But this is what would probably happen: Max would start screeching, then Dave or I would have to hug him tight and hold him and he'd possibly calm down. Even if he did, chances are Max would lose it once the fireworks start. We haven't been in a couple of years, since this is the week he usually goes to camp (that's happening at the end of August).

And yet, this is why we we'd still consider trying: History has shown that once Max can push past his fears, he enjoys the activity. This has proven true with his school play, with the drive-in movie theater, with seeing a magic show. True, fireworks are a major sensory experience—they're loud, they're in the dark. But again, I think one of these years Max will get into them, and this could be the year. I am planning to show him a bunch of YouTube videos about them today and tomorrow. I will tell him that there may be purple fireworks. I will do everything except detonate some in our home as an example.

But this is why I'm torn: Max clearly wants to hang in the house, and I don't want to ignore his wishes or potentially traumatize him. Also: Dealing with a screeching scene in front of all those families on the lawn will not be so pleasant. (Understatement alert.)

I am leaning toward a compromise: I'll drive him closer to the area and we stay in the car and watch the fireworks.

I think?

July 4th update!
So what happened was, Max decided he'd be cool with driving in the car—with his headphones on—to see the fireworks. Five minutes in, he had to go potty. Back we went to the house. He decided he didn't want to leave. I coaxed him back ino the car. We realized we could barely see anything through the many trees in the area, but when he caught one glimpse of one firework, his whole face lit up. Back at the house, he made me turn off all the lights and we could see a bit of the neighboring city's display through the back door. We'd recently removed some drapery in our bedroom and I realized the view would be better there, so up we went and Max stood there, mesmerized, for 15 minutes. At bedtime, he told me he wanted more fireworks! So, a happy ending. I hope all of your kids had a good time, too.

July 5th update!
Max woke up and watched videos of fireworks on YouTube for an hour.

Image: Flickr/SJ Liew

31 comments:

  1. I did find a video of fireworks at Cars Land: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlZFx74TGKY

    Could he be enticed by the fact that his beloved Lightning McQueen approves of fireworks? ;)

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    1. Great! Will show to Max today. Thank you so much, Annika, for tracking that down.

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  2. Watching from the car sounds like a good idea. Easy for you to make a quick getaway if you need to. My son has Aspergers so we have avoided big displays because of the crowds & noise, but he loves watching fireworks. Last year we had some in the garden for his birthday which worked great - he had his ear defenders & was able to be in control of how many we set off.

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  3. If it doesn't go over, perhaps warm him up for the future by setting off smaller ones at home (probably against the bylaws)? They're smaller and less loud. Or sparklers, if he can handle those safely (thermal glove just in case?)

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  4. We never take Ashlea. She becomes so hysterical it is just not fair on her.

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  5. I like your compromise solution. We watched the fireworks from the car with my little girl last year, we were parked almost under them and watched through the sunroof. Sounds partly muffled but all of the beauty... plus you can leave if he doesn't like it and you are nearby if he wants to get out and closer.

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  6. I like your compromise. Wouldn't the headphones block out the noise from the fireworks? Couldn't he enjoy the fireworks with them on?

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  7. I was going to suggest being in the car. That's what we did when my kids were young. You could even play some music that he likes at the same time which will help drown out the booms. I would also explain that the fireworks are "far away" even though they are loud.

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  8. I was going to ask you about this today Ellen. My 4 year old daughter has CP and the sensory issues that go along with it. The problem is we are at my parent's beach house and this year the fireworks are scheduled to go off 200 feet away. Last year they were further away and she just could not handle it even with noise blocking headphones. Also the fireworks can be heard EVERYWHERE in the small town. Any suggestions? I think it's so wonderful Max is able to express his opinion on the subject. Sure tales the guesswork out of the situation.

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    1. That's a toughie, Karen. I wonder if it might work if you two are cuddling on a couch (holding Max tight helps calm him down a bit) and watching them on TV and she has headphones on—i.e., might help drown out the sound of the outside ones but engage her? Or just watching another of her favorite programs on TV, cuddling, with headphones on. And a special treat, like her favorite ice-cream. You could even make a point of renting one of her favorite DVDs, if there's a player. Talking about your special night in ahead of time could help too. Let me know how it goes!

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    2. Thanks for the tips I'll let you know!

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  9. We have the same issue with fireworks. Ian just turned 5 and wants nothing to do with the noise - even with his headphones on. He too prefers to stay home where things are predictable and comfortable. The rest of us want to go though, and this year we have friends going early to snag a good spot for all of us. Seems a shame to waste that opportunity. We're going to try it - even with the threat of Ian screeching during the show. I like your idea of showing Max YouTube videos of fireworks - I think I'll try that too! Good luck to you and Max!

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  10. You could cry... It worked on the Disney cruise :)

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    1. Oh, man, you remember that? Thankfully, haven't had a similar moment of losing it since!

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  11. This is exactly what we plan to do. I remember hiding, terrified, under the blanket during fireworks as a kid. I don't want to put my son through that, but I also don't want to deprive him of the experience if this is the year he suddenly starts to enjoy fireworks. So we'll watch from a distance so that we can quickly leave if that's what he wants to do!

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  12. Why put him through such a frightening ordeal this year if he is not emotionally ready for it? Why don't you show the fireworks to Max on TV or video this year, and see if he will be more agreeable to going next year.

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  13. We have this problem with our son who is almost five. He has never liked fireworks and hates going so we have not seen them in years. We just always ask and see what his reaction is. I figure missing them is OK. There is always time.

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  14. I would do the car viewing. We had traditional fighter jets do a fly-by on the 1st and Sarah was SO scared she went into a shock like state. No tears, no blinking, rapid heart beat, cold sweat and shook while clinging to me. No fireworks for us.

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  15. Ellen, here are some very benign purple fireworks.
    http://www.glitter-graphics.com/graphics/1387524
    Hugs,
    JEB

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  16. I had the same fear when I was little. Maybe he can watch from a window or something? That's what I did.

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  17. I am a GROWN ASS WOMAN and I hate fireworks. My husband's taking our 4yo to watch them tonight (his first official fireworks display) while I stay at home. Fireworks: they aren't for everyone. Being able to chill in the car, though, might work well for him. Good luck!

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    1. Brigid, I'm with you! 46 years old and I do not like them. Yes, some are very pretty but way too loud and bright for me. I go for everyone else's sake and spend the whole time wearing sunglasses, gritting my teeth and waiting for them to be over. And "ooh"ing along with everyone all the while to fake them out to my reality, of course ;-)

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  18. If there's a good chance he's going to hate it and scream, don't take him. A screaming child at the fireworks is one, not fun for the poor child, two, not fun for his parent(s) who made all the effort of going and now have to leave, and three, not fun for everyone else who is being disturbed by the screaming. Given that fireworks are not that important, why run a good chance of making everyone unhappy?

    Car seems like a good compromise.

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  19. I love how clear his "uh uh" (negative) and "uh huh" (positive) are! Seems his speech is coming along!

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  20. I would say compromise, and let him bring his ear phones if it's too loud. You never know, he MAY want to get closer!!

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  21. Ellen....
    I'm afraid that Max and my mutt, Rose, are on the exact same page when fireworks are concerned. She suffers from noise phobia and is terrified of them!! Especially bottle rockets {Which by the way do explode in purple colors!!}. Neighbors set those off in every east, west, north and south of our cul-de-sac!! I call them "bombs". But do not share that part with Max!! Hee, hee, hee.... ;-D
    Happy Independence Day!! ;)
    --Raelyn

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  22. I saw purple fireworks. They were huge.

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  23. Good grief. Who came up with the celebration for this holiday anyway? Like I don't have enough to worry about with a 22 year old young lady who has never gotten used to all the explosions no matter how pretty the show. This year I got to worry about a 17 year old (NT) who just had to 'hang with friends and set off a few fireworks'.

    All fingers and toes accounted for.

    BTW. We watched from afar in the car.

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  24. Yay fireworks! I'll admit that those first booms still make me jump, but they're so fun too. Glad it worked out for the little dude.

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  25. Hey, thanks so much for the update as I was really wondering! Sounds like a successful evening!

    As I had front row seats where I enjoyed bright flashes, chest vibrations, and even experienced ash falling on my face, I thought "Yeah, I could see how someone with sensory issues could have a problem with this!" For the rest of us, it's a bit of a rush!

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    1. I had a large, fast-flying piece hit me in the eye. It felt like a rock.

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Thanks for sharing!