Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Mom job hazards that do not cause death (trust me on this)

• Running out of the house with sopping wet hair in the dead of winter.
• Being forced to repeatedly watch The Wiggles/SpongeBob SquarePants/iCarly/[insert your child's current TV obsession here].
• Also: reading the same book for 372 bedtimes.
• That rare moment when you are lying on the couch, relaxing, and....BOOM! Child jumps onto your ovaries.
• Subsisting on a diet known as Finishing Up What's On The Kids' Plates or its counterpart, Eating Extremely Old Goldfish I've Found In My Purse.

• Parent-teacher conferences.
• When your husband says, "Honey! Did you make any plans for us for the weekend?" and you feel a sudden tightness in your chest.
• Catching every single bug the kids bring home from school, even though they don't get them.
• Raffi.
• Extreme-poop diaper changes that make you feel as if you need an oxygen mask.
• An acute and incurable addiction to yoga pants.
• Sleep deprivation that lasts approximately nine years, or more.
• Pushing kids on the swings for what feels like hours. Isn't there an app for that?
• "MY MOMMY HAS BIG BOOBIES!!!!" Death by mortification = not possible.
• When your flailing, wailing, tantrum-having child accidentally conks you in the head or almost pokes one or both of your eyes out. Sure, you could try calling the malpractice lawyers, but you probably won't have a very good case against your five-year-old.
• Death by whining. Hmmm...might be possible.
• Airplane rides with the kids in tow (though may cause extreme anxiety).
• That moment when your child does something so amazingly cute, you feel as if your heart might explode.
• You tell me!


  1. Yep! I can relate to all of those, particularly the wet hair... and instead of the wiggles it's.... it's..... it's.... Dora the Explorer! Although I have found it more tolerable in French.

    I have a good tip for airplane travel.. (no it's not putting them in hold 4! lol!)

    I'm really happy, today I managed to get our local ice rinks approval for "inclusive skating" for Oatie!

    Ohh, what about the health hazard that your car becomes!

    Or the Tina Turner Biceps from carrying (Oatie) or two bikes a long way!

    I have taken to living in my yoga pants. It's easier to deal with being in the splits trying to get Oatie in to preschool lol!

  2. I love this list. You nailed every single one. There should be one for your child lifting up your shirt as you are talking to someone. Or maybe the "My mom has a tattoo on her _________." That's always nice.

  3. Nah - I think you about covered it, Ellen. Nice job! I concur on each and everyone of your non-life-threatening Mom-events.

    I always liked Raffi! ('Course, I haven't had to listen to him in years now.) ;) Barbara

  4. Beating your head against the wall? Sleeping with an elbow in your ear and a knee to your kidney? Driving with a Vente in each hand? That last one might actually be hazardous....

  5. Oooh, the one about getting bonked with your child's head. What about when it is right into the bridge of your nose? Ouch.

    This is such a great list. Love it.

  6. Sleep deprivation which causes you to forget what you were talking about five minutes ago and be really confused about what day of the week it is, but which also allows you to know where your child's blankie is at any moment.

  7. I'm afraid it's the other way around in my house. I force my girls to watch Sponge Bob every day (love that show!)

  8. Here via BlogHer. Love this, so funny. And I'm glad I'm not a Mom now.

  9. Ok I'm not a "mom", but as a dad to 2 year old triplets, I can relate to a lot of these. Laughed out loud at this post :)

  10. That list isn't just for moms.

    *Reading Sponge Bob's Day Off
    *What's that on your face? (usually in reference to a zit)
    *Laurie Burkner (or whatever her name is). I still can not listen to it.

  11. OH! And fat lips from little toddler heads when they are melting down. Or a (different) toddler pulling on the back pockets of your maternity jeans to steady himself while you walk up the stairs of a STADIUM, and trying to die of mortification when that toddler tugged a little too hard in front of thousands of people on the stairs behind you. Yes people, I mooned a stadium.

  12. If only I had had this list a few years ago! ;)

  13. Ha! I love the goldfish cracker ones and the one about pushing the kids on the swings...my favorite ever discovery was a playground WITHOUT swings. It was like heaven.

  14. great list, mine would have to be trying to calm my toddler with sms down in a paddling pool as she has a meltdown and bites a huge hole in it and as water is going everywhere the dog runs up behind me and is sick on my back! yep really happenned and still here! i have to say the heart burstingly wonderful moments are better and also as frequent as the above type! life with kids is dramatically crazy and we wouldnt have it any other way. thanks for sharing xxx

  15. Even though Margo is only 16 months old, I have experienced some of these things - the jumping on the ovaries, the extra-stinky and massive poop and Raffi. I like Raffi - I find him kind of soothing. As much as I hate to waste food, I will not usually eat her leftovers. Maybe once she starts getting into macaroni and cheese, I will change my mind. Thanks for the warning about things to come as she gets older!!!

    And, yes, all she has to do is look at me in a certain way with her eyes sparkling, and my heart just melts.

  16. How about when you spoon something into your toddler's mouth, he checks it out, then opens his mouth for you to remove it and without thinking you eat it? My older kids get sick when I do that. Doesn't bother me one bit. Your goldfish are my son's cheerios...

  17. My kid actually gave me a concussion a few years back while I was trying to put him to bed, so i hear you there.

    Here's a couple: Getting crowded out of your bed by someone under three feet tall.

    Listening to your kid tell you how they have no friends, and nobody likes them.

    Waiting for you kid to come home from somewhere they had permission to go, except they're late, and it's past your bedtime, and nobody's answering cell phones.

    Just you wait with that Sabrina of yours: you have all sorts of fun things ahead of you!

  18. Love it! I'll add retrieving a toy dropped in the toilet, staying up all night to finish the treat bags you promised to bring to the class party, and dropping your kids off at school in your pajamas.

  19. Hello Ellen,
    Long time! Loved this one...

    What about trying to shave your legs and give your kid a bath at the same time.....I swear i did that the other day! lol! I liked the mortal injury one...I got a fat lip last week from an AFO to the mouth during a diaper change.

  20. How about walking into your 20 month old's room after a nap to find out she's pooped, taken off her diaper, climbed out of the crib with said diaper and (from what it looks like) marched around the room with said diaper on her foot as a really squishy shoe.... Surprisingly, I lived. (so did she, don't worry)
    But I'm experienced with all the points on the list, excepting airline travel... I'm not that brave.

  21. Oh when you deposit the poop covered toddler in the tub, try to take off her diaper without getting covered in poop yourself as she cries UPPIE! UPPIE!

    (this was a babysitting charge. Who I adore. But man that girl can POOP.)

    and Raffi. Oh Raffi.

    And the swings. I think time slows down when you have to push kids on the swings

    k, that's sad that I can relate to so many of these and I don't even have kids!!!!!!!!

  22. Hmmm.... Molly, you may indeed qualify to be a mom.
    Candace: You're insane, woman! OK, I take that back. We're ALL insane.


Thanks for sharing!