Thursday, September 17, 2009

How not to be a bitch

Dear Insurance Company,

I got a letter TWO months ago saying that an external review board had granted payment for dysphagia therapy for Max, and yet you have not paid me for a single session. WTF? And furthermore, WTF?

Kindly let me know when I can expect the reimbursement granted to me by the external review board. Thank you!

Dear Influential Person at Max's School,

Hello. I have written you twice now, asking that you call so we can discuss Max's potty training, with no response. He is six, closing in on seven, don't you think it's time? I have not heard a peep from you since school started. So it would be really great to hear from you. Don't you think?

Hello. I would love to discuss your thoughts on potty training Max. Looking forward to hearing from you!

Dear School Bus Company,

When you decided the driver would be showing up twenty minutes earlier than usual, it threw our entire morning routine, already rushed, into a tizzy. What's worse: Some days now the driver shows up on time, and some days she is 10 to 20 minutes late. It is not fun to play guess-what-time-the-driver-is-coming today. Max could use that sleep in the morning, and I sure could use the sanity. Four words: Get your act together!

It would be great if we can pin down a concrete time for pickup. Please call at your convenience. Thanks so much!

Dear Mother In Law,

You can pretend that you did not say really, really mean things to me back in April, but I have an excellent memory and unless you can find a new soul on ebay or something, I don't think things are going to work out between us.

Thank you for the kind dinner offer. I cannot attend as there is the possibility I may have to get dental implants/travel to Bora Bora/repaint my entire house and the neighbors' house too, but I am sure the kids and Dave will have a fabulous time!


  1. Ha ha ha ha!!!! This is SO TRUE!!!! It's a good thing some folks can't hear what I'm thinking! Some of my "less than charming" thoughts would peel their wallpaper!

  2. My letter today would have looked like this:

    Dear Dr. Genetics,

    Why order a spinal x-ray and then not read the report? Why make me track down your assistant to inquire about said report? Oh what's that you say, the report has bad news...he has an enlarged heart.

    Why thank you for making me wait TWO WHOLE FREAKIN' MONTHS for this tidbit of information. Thank you very much, you've made my day.

    One Pissed Off Mommy

    (Thanks, I feel better now.)

  3. Hilarious! Thanks for sharing. You've given me my good belly laugh for the day!!!

  4. Very funny - sounds like your MIL and mine are quite similar...

  5. OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH! What mean things did she say?!?!? I would LOVE to know! Maybe we can compare stories?!?!

  6. Ha!!! Thanks for the tip on the new souls on EBay... off to make some calls to folks in desperate need of new ones!

  7. love your sense of humor!

    i want to say these things all the time to the same people!

  8. you and your hubby ever go toe to toe over the mother in law thing?

    Awesome post, BTW.

  9. All of these people can and will drive you crazy! I can remember being in the same situation with my daughter Sara's bus driver when she was still in school. Ridiculous! Her pickup time was 6:40 a.m. and the bus would show up @ 6:00 a.m! Straightened that out by speaking to her driver's supervisor. So glad to have graduated from these problems that used to make me furious, it was very hard not to want to be a b*&#h.

  10. So funny. The things we would to say but are too polite. Thanks for the laugh.

  11. Thanks for the laugh. I think I needed the tips as I'm still saying the stuff that is crossed out......

  12. So funny and so true!!

    We're having the same problem with Kasia's taxi pick up day it's 8:17am the next it's 7:57am! Argh!! And he has the nerve to HONK the horn for me?!?!

    Mother in laws....don't get me started!!! There is a special place in heaven reserved just for me.....

  13. Oh, my goodness, those would all drive me crazy, but the fluctuating school bus time would be the one to really do me in.

  14. Ha, ha, ha! This is a good one!!! Take me to Bora Bora too!!!!

  15. Dying laughing over here--especially about the MIL. My in-laws are pretty great and that's a good thing because I do NOT hold back when I'm talking to my husband about stuff.

    Melanie at danieljohnmaxwellspranger had a fabulous potty training program that she was using--might want to ask her about it.

    and can I throw in a tip for the Janice and others in that boat? When I want results and the doc is hard to get in touch with, just call medical records, ask them if you can get a copy of said report. It might cost you a dollar, but then you'll have those answers you want. I'm not ashamed to say I've done that before.

  16. hmmm... I might need to get you to write some letters for me sometime soon. I've got a few people in my life who could use a few choice words.

  17. Umm... personally I like the original letters better! :) We have all been there.

  18. HA!!!! Loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  19. You are hilarious!! I LOVE the before letters soooo much. It was like therapy reading them. I didn't get to read you this morning b/c we had a field trip today. So good to catch up this evening. Have a great weekend!

  20. Oh Ellen, I can so identify with some of those items! Especially the bus company one.....

    Thanks for your wonderful humour and honesty. More people need to hear this!

    Kyla (aka Ruby)

  21. Rolling on the floor. Thank you for the laugh

  22. This is Joyce. LMAO at the MIL. I've got 25 years of biting my lips under my belt and one of these days I might just let it blow. Oh we have the same darn scenario with Sarah's bus. I hate it. They tell it depends on whether the first two pickups call in sick, well if they do sit in a parking lot of 10 minutes, don't come to my drive 20 minutes early. See we should just send Sarah out in her underwear one day then maybe they would get the hint:) Love your writing Ellen, keep it up:)


Thanks for sharing!