Tuesday, May 1, 2012

IEPs make me cry


Last week was Max's IEP meeting (that's Individualized Education Program, for those of you who've never had the "privilege" of attending one). This is Max's sixth IEP, and everyone on his school Team Max showed: one PT, one OT, one speech therapist, one teacher, one nurse, one school administrator and our district coordinator.

I have a tradition at these IEPs, and it doesn't involve bringing a thermos of daquiris, though that would be ever so helpful. Every year, I get teary. Seeing all the goals for the upcoming year would make me very aware of the long road that lay ahead for Max. So would hearing his therapists discuss his challenges, even though there was always progress to report, too. (Luckily, I've never had to put up a fight for more services with his current school.) IEPs are meant to make sure your child gets the education he needs and deserves—a good thing!—but they're also often a tough reality check for parents. Yes, my child has special needs. Many of them, in fact.

This year, it was different. It's my own maturity as a special needs parent, I think, and the fact that Max is really forging ahead. One by one, as his team went around the table, every single person told of the significant progress Max has made this past year. His teacher spoke about how his confidence is building and his enthusiasm to spell and read. "I've seen huge improvements," she said. He's fully potty trained at school (we're still working on it at home). In fact, he's now giving high-fives to another kid in his class in potty training after she goes. His occupational therapist talked about him writing his name and other letters (so far he's nailed M, A, X, T, H, L, E, F, I, O, P, C). His physical therapist mentioned his ability to walk up and down the stairs mostly unassisted. The speech therapist discussed his ability to put sentences together on the iPad and his growing comprehension.

Wow. I knew Max had been doing amazing things, but hearing them all at once—corroborated by people not related to him!—felt incredible. I was seriously proud of my boy.

Of course, we discussed his goals for the upcoming year; Max will be learning to tell time and working on writing numbers. We'll be focusing on life skills, too, like pulling up and down pants for the potty. We're also going to focus on question-asking. Max recently started asking a q for the very first time, and now likes to use it regularly:

Me: "Max! We'll go to Disney World again."
Max: "Today?"
Me: "We're going to a playdate at Nina's house!"
Max: "Today?"
Me: "I'll get you a Cars 2 backpack!"
Max: "Today?" 

On top of my wish list: helping Max more clearly articulate words. He's talking so much lately, though he's hard to understand. The speech is a complex issue for him, particularly because his tongue doesn't move the way it needs to. But Max being Max, he keeps trying his best.

So there I was, giddy with pride. And you know what made me cry? 

"He's just the happiest kid," his speech therapist said.

I stared down at the paperwork and scribbled something so nobody could see the tears. I'm not quite sure why that made me lose it; there were plenty of other reasons to weep tears of gladness. But it did. 

35 comments:

  1. Because you and I both know that our children's happiness is really all that matters... We fret and care about all the other "stuff", they don't.

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  2. So glad the crying you referenced in your post's title was tears of joy. Sadly, I have not experienced that kind of crying in one of my daughter's IEP meetings since she was in preschool. We just had the one for her upcoming 4th grade year last month, and the only emotions it imbued in us were rage, frustration and sadness (the first two directed toward our school district). Sigh.

    I hope Max has another spectacular year next year with as much progress and as many achievements as you heard about at this year's IEP meeting!

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  3. I am so glad to hear a positive IEP experience! I am getting ready to go thru my first one with my son, Grant. He will be 3 in September and I am terrified of the IEP, case conferences and most of all sending my sweet little boy to preschool...

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  4. Oh and congratulations to Max for making his mommy so proud!

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  5. Now I'm crying! Very happy for all of you.

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  6. Such a timely post...my Max's IEP meeting is tomorrow. I'm hoping for no tears since I left the last one sobbing. It's just as you described...having everyone spell out all of his challenges at one time just gets a bit overwhelming. So glad to hear this meeting concentrated on the positive for you. Yay Max!

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  7. If he's fully potty trained at school but not at home then you should get the nanny to keep the same timing schedule as school. Lazy parenting affects the child more than you realize.

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  8. Put simply: WOOHOOOOOO!!!!!! This year was our third IEP meeting and the first where I had an inkling that they're not *always* sunshine and roses (my kid is just entering pre-K) - so I like reading about the ones that go so well! By the way, if you want an actual button like that to wear, feel free to reach out to me and I'll make you one! ;)

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  9. That is awesome! Ive had some great progress with my guy this year too. He is almost 10 and finally toilet trained, he just decided it was time. Hes had great progress in class as well, sometimes you can see that things have just clicked! Congrats Max!

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  10. I just felt like adding a "Congrats Max and Mom!" to show that not everyone who chooses to remain anonymous has something negative to say! Have a good one!

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  11. Perfect timing, as always! My son's IEP is next week and it is so important that happiness is a worthwhile and very important goal.

    Oh....and anonymous, SHUT UP! Comments like yours are not productive or helpful in any way. Interesting that you chose to remain anonymous, as if you are too embarrassed by your rudeness to accept responsibility.

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  12. I have tears in my eyes for you and Max too (and I'm in a coffee shop, awkward!) I love celebrating the successes. As one who sobs after ever parent/teacher conference, it is so nice to hear when things are going well at school for a child. Gives me hope for my next conference ;)

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  13. Oh, wow, "Anonymous" (the nasty one). You must have such insight because you are in the home with Max every day and see this "lazy parenting"?

    Go crawl back under the rock where I'm sure your deep insights are well appreciated.

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  14. ps - to Anonymous at 9:09 am: could it possibly be that the added peer pressure of being around other kids could be helping him with toileting, or simply watching other kids going potty encourages him to "be a big boy"? I don't think this is the mom I would accuse of lazy parenting.

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  15. What a blessing! I cry at our IEPs too. I was proud of myself because a couple weeks ago I had three huge packets of medical history paperwork to fill out for a few new doctors' appointments we have coming up this summer. Usually those make me cry too. But after I put it off for a couple of weeks I dove in and filled out all those papers without a tear! Yay for mommy baby steps! ;-)

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  16. Reading this made me all weepy too! I usually cry during IEP meetings - it really is a reality check for us. I think it's easy to sometimes forget about the challenges our kids have because it's just part of our day to day lives. And then walking in that room with a team, reviewing evals and goals and progress it's like - oh yeah...

    Be proud of all the progress Max has made!

    I have an IEP meeting coming up soon myself - I'm pretty sure I'll be crying too.

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  17. I too am so glad my child is Happy! I understand those tears at an IEP. I look forward to one with progress.

    Many Blessings

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  18. um, excuse me, but apparently you didn't read the article below. it appears too many of you are wearing rose-colored glasses these days!

    ###############
    Wednesday, April 4, 2012
    Raising a kid with special needs: On parent delays and development

    It wasn't so much a case of whether Max was ready to be toilet-trained—the truth is, he's been ready for awhile. It was more about my being ready; I'm the one who's been delayed.

    I needed to commit to potty-training and acknowledge how important it was for Max.

    I needed to break out of what had become part of our routine (changing him). Changing diapers is a pain at times, but when you're used to it it can be convenient.
    ###################


    ellen clearly states "max has been ready for awhile, i'm the one who felt pullups were too convenient" THAT is lazy parenting! Oh, I guess the PC term is "parent delays and developments" Any other parent who just shrugged their shoulders and said "eh, let him piss himself cause it's easier than putting in the work even though I KNOW he's ready" would be called a lazy parent at the very least! Same thing goes for the seatkicking on airplane trips - if the kid is mentally and physically capable of controlling himself and NOT kicking the seat in front of him then it is LAZY PARENTING if you continually allow it and simply make excuses for your lack of parenting.

    The only reason you guys are so pissed is because you know I am correct. Nothing pisses someone off more than the truth!

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  19. Anon, darling? I'm going to start deleting comments like the above going forward because this blog is a place for productive conversation and I don't want readers to waste time responding. Cheers!

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  20. Yes please delete! No need for any negativity whatsoever! I always delete negative people from my son's page if they even say the slightest thing that hurts my feelings. I think that is one of the positives to being a special needs mom, it makes you tough and strong and completely unwilling (who has the time!) to deal with people who have not a clue what they are talking about...

    I am SO happy to hear that you had another good meeting. I agree, hearing that my child is so happy, would make me weep as well. It makes all the stress and fear and worry 100% worth it. You keep doing what you are doing!!! You know your son and you know what is best!

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    1. I think that is one of the positives to being a special needs mom. Are you kidding me?! It is NOT a good idea to delete people who are only slightly negative. It makes you a wimp. Oh, it also means you have thin skin and need to toughen up.

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  21. I really appreciate you sharing your parent perspective. I was a special education teacher for a couple of years and now I am in school for occupational therapy. I forget that it can be stressful for everyone involved, especially the parents. As a teacher, I was so focused on getting everything right, document wise. it is important to pause and recognize that it can be so emotional for parents. I am happy that you had a good experience during the last IEP! (and kudos for saying individualized education "program," so many people call it a "plan!")

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  22. Go Max, Go mom! I teach regular ed at the high school level, but prefer to do it in a team taught class with special needs kids and a special needs teacher (shout out for the least restrictive environment!) because of my enthusiasm I am often asked to be the regular ed representative in those IEP meetings. I wouldn't mind you bringing a round...seriously though, I have seen the frustration and the arguments but I believe so strongly in IEP's and I think it is awesome your kid is being serviced so well by his!

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  23. Go, Max! Loved reading this, Ellen. xo

    Gail

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  24. This post made me smile & tear up at my desk. I'm told daily that my son is the happiest boy- means the world to me.

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  25. Loved this. Loved that Max is the happiest kid. Who could ask for anything more? xo

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  26. They always make me happy cry too!

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  27. Ugh, we had our IEP yesterday. I was fully expecting to have to take on the sp ed teacher b/c I expected her to say that Kate had met her goals for the year, but she didn't and it ended up being ok. Yes I cried too b/c Kate's condition is degenerative, and sometimes I think all academic work is a waste, but the fact is that being successful in school and being like other kids is what makes her happy, and her happiness is the most important thing.

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  28. I have cried tears of frustration and joy while attending my son's IEP. Getting services where my child attended was always a battle.

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  29. So glad you had some tears of Joy:)

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  30. So nice to hear positive IEP experiences!

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  31. as an SLP, this gives me such a different perspective. I have grown up with an older sister who has Down's and am now working in the public school system. My whole life, interacting with people with special needs was the norm for me. My mom was very up front and open about my sister, Anna, both with family and strangers. So now, hearing parents talk about how negative an IEP meeting can be is so sad to me. Do our kids weaknesses? yes, but who doesn't? I honestly don't feel the point of an IEP meeting is to harp on a child's weaknesses and what they CAN'T do! let's celebrate what they have accomplished over the past year and move on to what we hope to accomplish in the next. Of course there are the schools, therapists and districts that are stingy with their services and that is flat out wrong. To all parents who are just beginning their journeys with the public school systems. Keep and open mind and heart! There are many good teachers and therapists out there, and I pray that you each get the good ones! Ellen I am so happy for you and Max!
    Anonymous... i am not sure if you have kids, let alone a child with special needs, but I would think that if you did, you would know that kids tend to behave worse for their parents than for others. Also, Ellen is FAR from lazy! how dare you judge a parent based on their decisions on how to raise their children! I believe there would be a huge difference if she didn't care, and was doing nothing to help max learn and progress, but this is clearly not the case. Children with special needs are much more involved than a typical child and maybe, attention needed to be focused elsewhere at the time. BUT when Ellen committed to potty training, she committed! hence potty training bootcamp (i believe was the name of the blog) save your negativity for your own blog!

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  32. Now you just made ME cry!! I got teary-eyed at my daughter's last one too. Her OT told me, "She is so sweet. You have a shining star." That was the best thing I've ever heard.
    I loved this post. You have so much to be proud of. :)

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  33. I was really embarrassed that i had tears coming out of my eyes during my son's IEP. It's nice to see that i'm not the only one (although my tears were not of joy this time). Although we go through all of his strenghs first, listing his "areas of needs" is unfortunately a very important part of the IEP to make sure everything is considered in making his goals. As we focus on what Donovan CAN do and baby steps in progress, it's really hard when it's necessary to focus on the other end. His team believes he has another condition that has not yet been diagnosed (completely seperate from his CP but greatly affecting his education and life)..i hope to experience the tears of happiness again soon...

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  34. Because I was so intelligent, I had to have an IEP. If it was academically based, they would refuse to give me one. Intelligent kids have as much rights to get help as the below average kids do.

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Thanks for sharing!