Dear staffers at the pediatrician's office,
First off, thank you for keeping my children healthy, vaccinated and lollipop-licious. I am genuinely amazed by how calm you remain in the face of bawling, screaming kids. Is there some special anti-freakout antibiotic you receive, and where can I get my hands on it? Also, how do you manage to stay healthy despite being exposed to trillions of germs a day, yet I get sick if my kid with a cold so much as blinks at me?
Anyway, I appreciate all that you do. I have just a few small observations and suggestions to share:
• There are two people in this world who may call me "Mom." Sorry, but you are not one of them. My first name works fine. So does "Goddess."
• I know you have appointment slots to fill but when you call me at the office and ask if I can come in with my child at 10:30 or 1:00 or 3:15, it bugs me. Some mommies work. Perhaps you could note that in my kids' files? "Goddess with a job" would be just fine.
• What is up with charging parents $10 to fill out a form that has all of three lines, one of which is "Child's name"?
• By any chance, could you call when the doctor is running an hour late? I have approximately 379 other things I could be doing. Consider karma: Someday, you might find yourself in that big waiting room in the sky, where you will be forced to wait for all eternity. With no TV and only Entrepreneur Magazine to read.
• Why are the toys in the waiting area so filthy they look like they're harboring Ebola virus?
• Idea: If you took that original Fisher Price Little People Parking Garage—so what if the elevator hasn't worked since 1972 and it has drool stains and Ebola—you could sell that sucker on eBay and make enough money to buy subscriptions to a couple of good magazines.
• Do you really think you can fool us by depositing us in an exam room and leaving us stranded for a half hour? The doctor will NOT see us now! Delay tactic! We are onto you.
• Word, it is not humanly possible to entertain a small child for a half hour by messing around with the crinkly paper on the exam table and the ear probe and getting so desperate that you are tempted to go get Entrepreneur Magazine from the waiting room and read it to him, just for fun.
• My kid squirms and whines because he has a thing about standing on the scale; I think he inherited that from me. Can't you guess kids' weight just by staring at them? The people at the county fair can!
• Ear wax flushing is really gross. May I please leave the room? I don't think my child will someday require therapy because I abandoned him, but I might if I'm forced to witness that.
• Why do I have to fill out those appointment reminder cards? Isn't that what YOU get paid to do? Next time, I am charging you ten dollars.
That is all.