12 hours ago
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Those thoughts you don't like to admit
Top on my list of ambitious goals on this, my first day out of work, was to sleep late. Of course, I bounced out of bed at the usual time. I cleaned up some clutter, read and sent a whole lot of e-mails, thought about exercising, solved the global warming crisis, ate some baklava I'd been saving for a special occasion (today counted as a special occasion). Friends and coworkers called throughout the day to make sure I was doing OK/didn't drink the whole bottle of Dom Perignon by myself (we're saving it till Saturday night).
Sabrina was out of her head with excitement. "My mommy's home!" she said to our babysitter, Linnette, about five times. I also overheard her telling her, "You know, when we go out somewhere and I go into the bathroom to go pee pee with my Mommy? Sometimes my Mommy goes pee pee right after me!" and realized that now that I'm home, I'm going to be privy to all sorts of fascinating revelations.
I picked up Sabrina at preschool, then went to get her hair trimmed only the place in town is closed on Wednesdays. So we wisely decided to have ice-cream. Sabrina chose "pink" (cherry ices). I got rainbow sherbet.
As we sat there, slurping, I thought, This is so relaxed. And, If Max were here, I'd have to feed him.
These thoughts hit me from time to time when I'm out alone with Sabrina, thoughts of how easier things can be with her, thoughts of how effortlessly she can do something like eat ices. I feel guilty about these thoughts; I don't discuss them with Dave or friends. I also think they're pretty normal to have. I've said before that I don't regret Max's disabilities, and I don't. But of course I want him to be able to take care of himself, for his sake and for mine.
We finished our ices and came home, and Max's school bus arrived. When Max saw me his entire face lit up and he said, "OMMMY!" We came inside and he had his afternoon snack, a 'Lil Drum chocolate cone. And he wanted to hold it all by himself.
Posted by Ellen Seidman at 10:20 PM